This is a rare Hack Werker romantic novel set in Paris where every goddamned scene is set in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower.
The Eiffel Tower Is Watching
Innocence Caged
This was one of Hack’s most controversial titles. The city’s mob kingpin has his goons kidnap a senior from the Van Nuys Boarding School for Hot Virgin Girls, ages 18 to 22 and play cards to see which of the town’s sexual deviants will take her virginity. Boris gets in the game to save her and just as he is on the verge of winning, he loses the last hand with four aces to a local perv’s royal flush (Hack doesn’t really understand poker). But just as the perv is about to deflower her, Boris takes out a semi-automatic and blows everyone at the table away. It’s a feel-good escapist piece of fluff.
Sex Slaves of Sex Island
Hack swears up and down that this was a true story but it turned out to have the exact same plot as an old Linda Blair movie he watch on Cinemax once while he was high on reefer, so I kind of doubt it.
Junior Ranger and the Killer Tigers of Yellowstone Park
Every time Hack wrote one of these Junior Ranger books he swore it would be the last one but kids loved them because while their parents thought they were wholesome stories for boys, they were actually packed with scenes of angry anal sex. In this one, a pack of man-eating tigers terrorize Yellowstone Park (Hack is adamant that wild tigers roam Yellowstone Park, despite all evidence to the contrary) and Ranger Joe has to disperse them gently and nonviolently. When he does, a gorgeous heiress who was camping at the park thanks him with a session of angry anal sex.
The Card Shark
Hack grudgingly allowed his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris to sit in on a poker game he was hosting and Boris cleaned him out for over $10,000. Hack wrote this book as a means of squaring the debt.
The Caddish Adventures of Captain Lothario
Women are held captive as sex slaves on a pirate ship with lots of scenes of angry anal sex. It’s pretty boilerplate Hack.
The Diner of Death
Hack used to go to a diner where he would stare at a beautiful woman eating her breakfast with such intensity that she became unnerved and was certain that he wanted to kill her. Hack became so offended that he actually did devise a plot to kill her but it got derailed when he found out that her boyfriend was devising a plot to kill him. Long story short, Hack switched to Denny’s but wrote this book about the experience.
The Slave Princess: Naked and in Chains
Hack wrote this to try and capitalize on the “sex and sandals” craze popularized at the time by the film “Hercules” starring bodybuilder Steve Reeves. It’s pretty good but like so many of Hack’s books, it loses focus and the last 50 pages are about a spaceship battle. It developed a small cult following five years after its original publication when LSD came into vogue and the plot finally made some sense.
Non-Alcoholic Wine
Hack wrote this when a woman that he thought he was really close to getting in the sack switched to non-alcoholic wine and suddenly found him repulsive. It’s one of his angriest books.
Biker Gang
One time a kid on a bicycle yelled something rude to a woman in the Shakey’s parking lot where Hack lives in his van and Hack chewed the kid out and made him apologize. Somehow that story evolved into this. If the book is to be believed, that lady in the parking lot was really into anal sex.