The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
This Junior Ranger book was initially banned in Arkansas and Kentucky because of a scene where the piranha savagely eat a dark-skinned native’s penis. The censors finally allowed the book to pass when Hack changed the victim to a lighter skinned man, saying “we just don’t think that the kids who read this book are ready for the shocking truth that negroes have genitals and can reproduce.”
When Bro Joe told Hack that he had recently explored the Havasupai Indian Reservation in the Grand Canyon National Park, Hack decided that “Havasu Pie” was a dessert item and wrote this book where Ranger Joe has a piece that a local gorilla keeps trying to steal from Ranger Joe’s “pic-a-nic basket.” Marie Callender’s actually added an item of that name to their dessert menu because boys would ask for it and throw a fit when it told that it didn’t actually exist.
Ranger Joe discovers a mysterious cage where a gorgeous prehistoric woman offers him anal sex. He accepts her invitation.
Ranger Joe must save a bevy of beauty contest contestants from the various dangers in the park and they each reward him with anal sex. One of the most popular titles in the Junior Ranger series.
Hack sat down to eat a plate of reefer-filled cookies and awoke two days later with this urine-soaked manuscript next to him.
The unexpected popularity of the first Junior Ranger book prompted Hack to rush out this sequel, which he hastily adapted from a horror novel that he was in the process of writing. Since it was conceived for adult readers, the sequel had far more anal sex than the first book and as a result, quadrupled the sales. The formula for the series was now firmly established.
When his publisher John Kane opened a subsidiary of his Palace Productions empire called Boys’ Adventures and dedicated to providing outdoorsy content for boys, Hack was asked to write a series of books for the endeavor. He was at a loss for inspiration because the only time he spent outside was when he left the Shakey’s where he worked as a janitor and crossed its parking lot to get into the van where he lived to pick up writing. But as luck would have it, his cover artist Jonny M.’s brother Joe was an accomplished outdoorsman and a member of the Junior Rangers, an outlet of the National Parks Service created to get children excited about the parks program and nature conservation. So Hack created a character based on Joe and which launched his most popular series of books. And because Hack wrote them, he snuck in countless scenes of graphic anal sex which parents were unaware of but which were the biggest selling point to the boys who read them.
Since Hack’s otherwise ironclad contract had a loophole for the Junior Ranger books, they were they only thing he wrote which he actually made money from. So even though he grew to loathe them and the Ranger Joe character, he returned to the franchise again and again and again. A legend was born.
When he first heard about the Me Too movement, Hack was horrified because he had a long history of masturbating in front of women for years. So he wrote this book in support of the crusade in the hopes that its leaders wouldn’t put him to death when they took over. His fear turned out to be for naught because his genitalia is so tiny that none of the women realized that he was playing with himself in their presence.
Hack tried to follow up the triumph of “The Boob Cup” with this mystery about a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction whose girlfriend cheats on him with the owner of the legendary Boob Cup. It wasn’t the success with his readership that the first one was because the hero spends most of his time fucking the cup.
His cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Winston had developed a worldwide following as an ascetic, so Hack was delighted when Winston was hospitalized with a growth on his penis which his veterinarian initially thought was from a sexually transmitted disease. “Now all those mindless simps will see what a phony he is,” Hack rejoiced. The ultimate diagnosis was something non-sexually related, which didn’t stop him from writing this libelous melodrama about a Winston-like pug contracting syphilis and seeing his legions of followers forsake him before he goes insane from the disease. The book caused outrage among Winstonites and when the gentle pug passed away a few months later, the group pulled the sleeping Hack out of his van, tarred and feathered him and ran him out of town on a rail.