The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack was a huge fan of “Get Smart” and, as always, became sexually obsessed with its costar Barbara Feldon. This novelization has Agent 99 going undercover as a prostitute who specializes in anal sex in order to infiltrate KAOS and get a binder of top secret information. Most copies were recalled after a lawsuit from NBC but the few that are available on eBay prove that the book is really as bad as it sounds.
Hack got into a violent bar fight in 1969 over who was hotter, Mary Ann or Ginger with Hack arguing in favor in Mary Ann. Things got out of hand and Hack murdered the other man, spending eight months in prison before being sprung on a technicality. He used the time to pen this novel (along with several hundred others).
Hack openly despises his cover artist Jonny M.’ pug Boris, who he got from a pug rescue in Korea. When Hack heard that, he penned this fanciful tale of how Boris had to leave South Korea because he was wanted by the Korean Mafia. The book turned out to be pretty accurate.
Hack came to sexual maturity in an age when hotels still employed house detectives to ensure that couples who stayed under their roofs were married and not just there for Godless hanky panky. Since the vast majority of his sexual activity at the time was with syphilitic prostitutes, he carried a bogus marriage license to display at check-in which would typically result in his being beaten to a pulp in the alley behind the hotel by the house dick. This novel is a remembrance of those golden times.
Hack once won an award from the Alcoholics Anonymous organization for the vast number of women who were traumatized into sobriety after waking up to see him lying next to them following a night of drunken debauchery. This book tells their harrowing story.
Hack grew to despise his cover artist Jonny M. after constantly hearing of his effortless success with women. Hack intended this chronicle to depict Jonny as a superficial loser who lived an empty life but it wound up getting him more babes than ever, resulting in one of Hack’s many unsuccessful suicide attempts.
A gorgeous female biker and her boyfriend terrorize a neighborhood market until a tough cop tells them to move along, so they do. The actual story is only 15 pages so Hack uses the rest to timeline the countless occasions when his abusive father would batter him.
Hack likes to lounge around in women’s lingerie which, he insists, “is strictly a comfort thing.” A photographer (who, unlike the gorgeous young woman in the novel, was actually an obese man in his 60’s with a glass eye) snapped some pictures of Hack in this state and blackmailed him with them for years until Hack realized that everyone knew that he was a pervert and the pictures wouldn’t make a difference in that regard. Hack based this novel on the episode, although it departs radically from how it actually went down.
Hack is a close follower of pinko political pundit Lisa Glass’ Twitter feed and wrote this novel in an attempt to suck up to her. It resulted (as such moves always do for Hack) with her issuing a restraining order against him.
When the USA’s perennially embarrassing president Donald J. Trump proclaimed on the 4th of July that “our (Revolutionary War) army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rockets’ red glare, it had nothing but victory” Hack knocked out this historical novel about the battle. Every critic who reviewed the book mocked it mercifully for its ridiculous historical inaccuracies but it sold well in Kentucky and Arkansas.