The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack thought that if he wrote a book about International Women’s Day that he would get laid left and right. It’s about a guy who writes a book about International Women’s Day and gets laid left and right for it.
Life did not imitate art.
Hack was under the impression that his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris was addicted to reefer for some reason, so he wrote this book as an intervention. When Boris took a dump on the book, Hack was so upset that he spent the next week high on reefer.
Hack always flaunts his “I Voted” sticker on Election Day because he’s convinced that it will make him irresistible to free-thinking communist hippie chicks and politically conservative repressed housewives. The truth is that he only shows up at the polling place and swipes a sticker when no one’s looking because he thinks if he actually votes, the government will use his information to kidnap him and transplant his brain with an alien that crash landed at Area 51.
Hack wrote this fantasy about his friends Snow Mercy and Rosanna De Candia (who both find him repulsive) and his celebrity crush Frances Fisher (who has multiple restraining orders against him) making him their sex slave on a raft in the middle of the ocean. When he saw that cover artist Jonny M. (who depicts himself as the hero on the cover of all of Hack’s books) had put himself in the scenario, Hack tried to cut his throat with a straight-edged razor.
Hack wrote this novel in twenty minutes after watching the Jennifer Lopez music video “Booty” 50 times in a row.
Hack was inspired to write this book after he was being threatened by some young thugs in the Shakey’s parking lot where the van he lives in is parked, and his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris scared them off by peeing on their shoes. When Hack leaned over to pet the little dog in gratitude, Boris peed on his shoes.
Hack wrote this book after a young woman he was trying to hit on assumed that his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris was actually Hack’s son because of their uncanny resemblance.
This book was yet another failed attempt on Hack’s part to suck up to his friend Rosanna De Candia by promoting her podcast titled Jersey Reads the Classics. The point of the podcast is that Ms. De Candia, a native of New Jersey, gives humorous readings of classic books. But Hack was drunk out of his mind during the hour and a half he devoted to writing this and cranked out an unreadable mess about a sports pullover that taught an adult literacy course in the slums of Chicago. It sold well in some rural areas because of several graphically described erotic scenes between the jersey and an illiterate, nymphomaniacal laundromat clerk who it teaches to read.
The inspiration of this novel is the six months Hack spent at a Romanian Catholic boarding school when he was 12. The title character is based on an actual nun at the school named Sister Brândusa, who took her students over her knee and brutalized them at the slightest provocation. The real-life Sister Brândusa weighed over 250 lbs. and had a hairy mole covering half her face, so Hack based the fictional version on his super-hot friend Rosanna De Candia. The story is vastly more effective for it.
Hack wrote this to get revenge on his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris after the dog urinated in his vodka tonic. Boris had the ultimate retribution when he sued Hack for libel and collected a six-figure settlement.