The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack wrote this fantasy about his friends Snow Mercy and Rosanna De Candia (who both find him repulsive) and his celebrity crush Frances Fisher (who has multiple restraining orders against him) making him their sex slave on a raft in the middle of the ocean. When he saw that cover artist Jonny M. (who depicts himself as the hero on the cover of all of Hack’s books) had put himself in the scenario, Hack tried to cut his throat with a straight-edged razor.
Hack wrote this novel in twenty minutes after watching the Jennifer Lopez music video “Booty” 50 times in a row.
Hack was inspired to write this book after he was being threatened by some young thugs in the Shakey’s parking lot where the van he lives in is parked, and his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris scared them off by peeing on their shoes. When Hack leaned over to pet the little dog in gratitude, Boris peed on his shoes.
Hack wrote this book after a young woman he was trying to hit on assumed that his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris was actually Hack’s son because of their uncanny resemblance.
This book was yet another failed attempt on Hack’s part to suck up to his friend Rosanna De Candia by promoting her podcast titled Jersey Reads the Classics. The point of the podcast is that Ms. De Candia, a native of New Jersey, gives humorous readings of classic books. But Hack was drunk out of his mind during the hour and a half he devoted to writing this and cranked out an unreadable mess about a sports pullover that taught an adult literacy course in the slums of Chicago. It sold well in some rural areas because of several graphically described erotic scenes between the jersey and an illiterate, nymphomaniacal laundromat clerk who it teaches to read.
The inspiration of this novel is the six months Hack spent at a Romanian Catholic boarding school when he was 12. The title character is based on an actual nun at the school named Sister Brândusa, who took her students over her knee and brutalized them at the slightest provocation. The real-life Sister Brândusa weighed over 250 lbs. and had a hairy mole covering half her face, so Hack based the fictional version on his super-hot friend Rosanna De Candia. The story is vastly more effective for it.
Hack wrote this to get revenge on his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris after the dog urinated in his vodka tonic. Boris had the ultimate retribution when he sued Hack for libel and collected a six-figure settlement.
When a customer who Hack had a crush on at the Shakey’s where he worked changed her hair from brunette to blonde, he got so excited that he wrote this book in tribute to her. It didn’t have quite the effect he desired, as her boyfriend beat him up so badly that he wound up in traction.
This book was the result of Hack getting hammered and watching a bunch of Dudley Doo-Right cartoons with his cover artist Jonny M and his pug Boris. There’s a very disturbing sex scene between Boris and a Canadian moose who describes himself as a “power bottom.”
Hack wrote this after he took his van to get gas with his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug as a passenger. While he was filling up, he attempted to hit on a gorgeous woman at the next pump but she was only interested in playing with Boris. Hack tried to make Boris walk home after that but the gorgeous woman gave him a lift and no one knows what happened after that.