One of the countless celebrities Hack is obsessed with is Twitter influencer Lisa Glass. He wrote this to try and impress her but its publication led instead to her filing a restraining order, as usual.
Love Trumps Hate
Author: admin
Be My Valentine
Hack’s cover artist Jonny M.’s success with women has caused Hack to despise him, but it has inspired some of Hack’s best work. Hack wrote this after Jonny told him of the dozens of women who expected him to be with them sexually on Valentine’s Day.
London After Dark
Hack wrote this Jonny M. adventure in a transparent attempt to rip off the success of the Twilight series. Jonny travels to London do do battle with a lot of super-hot vampires and winds up killing the queen vampire when he impales her with his tragically misshapen genitalia, which is somehow shaped like a cross.
The Return of Strawberry Alice
Because of his obsession with Frances Fisher, Hack has written many sequels to her movies. This is one of the better ones in which Strawberry Alice, the stern brothel madam in “Unforgiven,” hooks up with a dashing outlaw and his loyal pug.
The Man Without a Brain
Hack wrote this book when his cover artist Jonny M. pontificated his idiotic political agenda one day at lunch, convincing Hack that he had nothing inside his skull but shredded porn magazines from the early 1980s.
The Bottomless Popcorn Bucket
A nostalgic reminiscence from Hack’s teenage years when he would take girls to the movies, buy a bucket of popcorn and punch out the bottom, and then wait for them to inevitably dig for a handful of his Johnson. He ultimately spent so much money on popcorn without result that he fantasized that someone would just play the trick on him. It never happened.
She Worked For Tips
This is a (relatively) true story about a young, free-thinking pizza delivery girl who has a torrid affair with an aging lothario after he tips twenty dollars on a $14.50 order. Hack really was the aging lothario in the novel but unlike the hottie depicted in the story, the real delivery girl not only had a skin condition and a limp but she turned out to be a dude.
Even so, Hack considers it to be one of the great love stories of his life.
Dick Pix
Hack became obsessed with sending selfies of his withered genitalia to potential online lovers and wrote this self-indulgent fantasy in which he falls down a rabbit hole made up of a sub-culture of gorgeous women who actually enjoy dick pix. In the novel, they number in the thousands but according to Hack’s years of research on the subject, the real number is actually a hard zero.
Torn
This was based on a real episode in Hack’s life where he fell in love with two women, a hard-partying hottie and a sweet and charming stay-at-home, and couldn’t decide between the two. Providence simplified the matter when it turned out that neither one could stand him.
The Five-Way
Hack wrote this novel after his cover artist Jonny M. described his plans for the weekend, which were a literal playing out of the circumstances of the title. Hack changed the participants in the orgy to female TV newscasters he had crushes on and jumped out a third floor window immediately after finishing the manuscript. He ended up with only minor injuries while Jonny had to deal with a case of chlamydia.