The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
To commemorate the third anniversary of when his cover artist Jonny M. became Facebook friends with his celebrity crush Frances Fisher, Hack wrote this malicious chronicle of their relationship which painted Jonny as an annoying thorn in Ms. Fisher’s side. The only comment that the “Titanic” star gave about the book was “Werker pretty much nailed it.”
Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. was the victim of arson when a person with severe emotional problems tried to burn his house down with him and his pug Boris inside it*. Hack was fascinated by the story and used it as the basis for this novel. Unlike in real life (where the arsonist served a long prison term), in Hack’s version the fire kills Jonny and Boris and the arsonist gets off scotch-free.
* No shit, that really happened.
Hack’s obsession with the film “Titanic” and its star Frances Fisher is common knowledge and he wrote the story from the point of view of her character Ruth Dewitt Bukater to clear up what he felt were some inconsistencies in the story. For instance, when Ruth hooks up with a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction while her daughter Rose is off doing who-knows-what with Jack, he tries to introduce her to the wonders of anal sex. She is so furious that she rips the door off her cabin closet and clobbers him over the head with it, breaking it in half with the blow. When the same door floats to the water’s surface after the ship sinks giving Rose something to ride on to safety, Ruth’s attack has rendered it too small to also carry Jack so he sinks to a watery grave.
The Junior Ranger franchise came roaring back to its previous popularity where Ranger Joe is captured by a race of female “Stick Warriors” who anally violate him with their sticks.
When his cover artist Jonny M.’s beloved pug Winston died and Jonny got another pug named Boris, Hack was delighted because he secretly hated Winston. To get Boris on his side from the start, Hack wrote this patronizing saga depicting the young pug as a super power who always fought for the side of right. The book turned out to be prescient because Boris saw through Hack’s bullshit immediately. Hack, in turn, grew to hate Boris even more than he hated Winston.
Hack wrote this sequel to Clint Eastwood’s classic Western “Unforgiven” to tell the story of what happened to the town madam Strawberry Alice (played by Hack’s obsessive celebrity crush Frances Fisher). It begins just as the movie is ending, when Alice runs out of Greely’s Berr Garden and Billiard Parlour just before the climactic shootout with William Munny and Little Bill Daggett and into the waiting arms of her secret lover, a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction. The rest is a tale of their perfect love as the male character (who Hack neglected to give a name) writes fabulously successful novels while Alice practices all the erotic skills on him that she learned from her years working at the billiard parlour. Nothing much happens until the end, when Munny inexplicably shows up and the male character tells him to move his ass to San Francisco, where he’ll prosper in dry goods.
After the failure of “Junior Ranger and the Heart of Darkness,” the popularity of the Junior Ranger books seemed to be waning. In a bold move, publisher John Kane made a deal with cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Winston to appear as a character in an attempt to give the series a shot in the arm.Hack was bitter about the move because he hated Winston but his contract with Kane gave him no choice, so he wrote the book as ordered. It restored the Junior Ranger books’s readership as hoped, but Hack was livid when he learned that Winston’s contract mandated that the pug make far more money from the publication than Hack did.
This is the book that nearly sank the series when Ranger Joe became so obsessed with following the rules in the manual that readers found him to be a spineless pussy and sales tanked. Hack learned hid lesson and future installments found Joe not only to be more quick-thinking and improvisational, but open to sexual experiments of all kinds with women, men and especially the animals of the parks he protected.
Hack started pushing the envelope in the Junior Ranger saga with this entry, which contained almost none of the outdoorsy adventure found in the early books and focused on hardcore graphic sex. Publisher John Kane was worried that it would alienate the readership so he insisted that Hack add a subplot about a butterfly collector lost in the park. Hack obliged, but had the Lepidopterologist kidnapped by a gang of roving hippie chicks and savagely raped.
Hack indulged himself on this book by bringing his well-known hatred of Santa Claus into the narrative. When Saint Nick crash-lands in the park, Ranger Joe takes over for him and finds the job so easy that he is appalled at how overrated a figure Santa is. So when he finishes the task and returns to the park, Joe summons an angry gorilla who owes Joe a favor to tear Santa limb from limb and then feast on his flesh..
It did not become the holiday perennial that publisher John Kane hoped for.