Author: admin

April Fool

Hack’s second wife enjoyed nothing more than playing sadistic tricks on him, and April Fool’s Day was her favorite day of the year. “Her goal was to make my life a living hell on April 1st,” he recounted, “so I paid her back by making her life a living hell the rest of the time. At least that’s what she said in the divorce papers. I don’t really remember because when that bucket of water crashed on my head, it gave me a concussion and I suffered some dain bramage. I haven’t remembered things so goodly ever since it refrigerator.”

The Cat Lady of Death

Hack fell head over heels with a beautiful woman who came into the Shakey’s where he worked for lunch, and he talked her into going out for a date. When they went back to her place, he thought he was going to get laid but as soon as she opened the door, “at least thirty goddamned housecats attacked me and tried to claw my face and scrotum sack off.” Hack was able to fight off the frantic felines and stagger out into the street, where he collapsed in a pool of his own blood. He wrote this book while recovering from the wounds.

Pilot Season

Hack’s favorite actor is “Third Rock from the Sun” star French Stewart and when he heard two actors having a discussion about “Pilot Season” (the period when the networks cast and shoot the test episodes for series that they’re thinking of producing) while lunching at the Shakey’s where he works, he excitedly wrote this lurid mystery. He sent it to Stewart’s manager and to his delight, the star was was interested in developing it into a film for him to star in, but Stewart ultimately dropped out and the project went into turnaround. The book finally reached the screen (in a heavily altered version) as the Kristen Bell rom-com “When in Rome.”

Death at the Door

One of Hack’s lamest novels whose only remarkable feature is that he had forgotten he’d published it so a few years later, he republished it under the title “Terror Behind the Door.” They were essentially the same novel except that in the original, the stranger trying to break in was a deranged murderer who had escaped from a nearby insane asylum whereas in the rewrite, he was a pizza delivery guy.

Glass of Stanford

When the scandal about wealthy celebrities lying about their kids’ extracurricular activities in order to get them into good colleges broke, Hack did some digging and learned that his favorite Twitter pundit Lisa Glass was a Stanford graduate (since since we’re talking about Hack Werker here, “digging” meant that he read it in her Twitter bio). He decided no one that hot could get into a school like that based on academic merit so he wrote this novel which is pretty accurately summed up on the cover. Glass sued and while it turned out that her academic record was outstanding, the judge decided that she was too hot to have gone to an Ivy League school and dismissed the case.

Mind Slaves

Along with virgins being deflowered with anal sex, Hack’s most revisited theme is “she would do ANYTHING for him…including MURDER!” This novel is a standard Hack Werker treatment on the topic with a surprise plot twist that the two women are virgins who get deflowered with anal sex.