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Hack was a huge fan of “Get Smart” and, as always, became sexually obsessed with its costar Barbara Feldon. This novelization has Agent 99 going undercover as a prostitute who specializes in anal sex in order to infiltrate KAOS and get a binder of top secret information. Most copies were recalled after a lawsuit from NBC but the few that are available on eBay prove that the book is really as bad as it sounds.
Hack got into a violent bar fight in 1969 over who was hotter, Mary Ann or Ginger with Hack arguing in favor in Mary Ann. Things got out of hand and Hack murdered the other man, spending eight months in prison before being sprung on a technicality. He used the time to pen this novel (along with several hundred others).
Hack came to sexual maturity in an age when hotels still employed house detectives to ensure that couples who stayed under their roofs were married and not just there for Godless hanky panky. Since the vast majority of his sexual activity at the time was with syphilitic prostitutes, he carried a bogus marriage license to display at check-in which would typically result in his being beaten to a pulp in the alley behind the hotel by the house dick. This novel is a remembrance of those golden times.
Hack once won an award from the Alcoholics Anonymous organization for the vast number of women who were traumatized into sobriety after waking up to see him lying next to them following a night of drunken debauchery. This book tells their harrowing story.
This was one of Hack’s most controversial titles. The city’s mob kingpin has his goons kidnap a senior from the Van Nuys Boarding School for Hot Virgin Girls, ages 18 to 22 and play cards to see which of the town’s sexual deviants will take her virginity. Boris gets in the game to save her and just as he is on the verge of winning, he loses the last hand with four aces to a local perv’s royal flush (Hack doesn’t really understand poker). But just as the perv is about to deflower her, Boris takes out a semi-automatic and blows everyone at the table away. It’s a feel-good escapist piece of fluff.
Hack swears up and down that this was a true story but it turned out to have the exact same plot as an old Linda Blair movie he watch on Cinemax once while he was high on reefer, so I kind of doubt it.
Women are held captive as sex slaves on a pirate ship with lots of scenes of angry anal sex. It’s pretty boilerplate Hack.
A virgin sacrificing her innocence to get a man to help her get out of some scandal is a common Hack Werker theme, although all of his vestal characters inexplicably throw themselves into enthusiastically receiving angry anal intercourse as their first sexual encounter. When asked about that, Hack testily replies “my first time was having something shoved up my rectum, and it didn’t do me a bit of harm!” He never elaborates, as he inevitably breaks down weeping after that.
When his cover artist Jonny M. decided to fuck with Hack by telling him that there was a white slaver ringer that worked out of his home town of Van Nuys, California and they sold young women into the underground sex market. Hack immediately took this outlandish tale as gospel and cranked out this “all true story” without so much as checking any other source. Only after the book came out did he actually try to procure a sex slave from the mob but when he approached the dicey character he thought was in charge, he wound up being talked into buying a timeshare in Boca Raton.
Hack didn’t learn his lesson from his earlier novel “Mother’s Day” in this misguided sequel, which the court once again found in favor of ABC in its astonishing similarity to the series The Brady Bunch despite Hack’s continued insistence that he has never seen an episode of the show. He was forced to flee to South America and spent a year in hiding as a mercenary in Venezuela before the scandal blew over and he was able to return to the United States.