The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack was devastated at the news of the death of Marilyn Monroe and refused to believe it, insisting that she had chose to leave the high stress world of movie stardom to follow her true calling as a sex slave in a sheik’s harem. This book got enough people to believe the ridiculous theory that he occasionally appears on crackpot radio shows asserting that she is alive and well and still servicing the amir’s son in her mid-90’s, “and doing a damned fine job of it.”
Nobody really gets Hack’s obsession with virgins but as long as there’s a court order that keeps him 500 yards away from all schools and malt shops, I guess that there’s no harm in it.
This story of an suburban housewife and mother who satisfies her obsession with anal sex once a year by hiring a notorious gigolo turned out to be a phenomenal success with Hack’s core readership of sex-starved perverts in Bible Belt states. Regrettably, he was sued by ABC for ripping off The Brady Bunch (a show he had never heard of). Hack had to sell one of his kidneys to pay off his legal fees.
Originally titled under the title “Sex Nurse,” Hack claims that this is the true story of when he was institutionalized for reefer addiction in 1958. His story is that he had been in a reefer-induced trance until a kindly nurse brought him out of it with anal sex, although his version is unsubstantiated by evidence and he actually spent most of that year in county jail for indecent exposure.
“Werker’s most depraved work yet. A perverse collection of misspelled sexual scenarios strung together by a loose plot in which he is clearly working out issues from his disturbing upbringing. This ‘novel’ (and I use that word loosely) is nothing but a cry for help from a deeply twisted man.”
– The Tolucan Times
Hack wrote this to suck up to “Titanic” star Frances Fisher on her birthday. It resulted in her first restraining order against him.
Hack had been approached to write his autobiography for decades but when he finally got around to it, his brain was so fried from alcohol and drug use that he could barely remember anything about his own life. The first fifty pages are an accurate depiction of his abusive relationship with his father but the rest of the book is accounts of sexual fantasies he’s had of women throughout his life; from major movie stars to supermarket cashiers he glanced at in passing. It became one of his all-time best sellers.
This is one of Hack’s many attempts to suck up to his favorite Twitter pundit Lisa Glass by imaging her elected the first Jewish female president and taking a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer as her live-in lover. She doesn’t get a lot of work done.
After Hack got out of the hospital following the beating his friend Sara gave him for writing “The Car Salesman,” he heard news that she had a much better experience with a female salesperson who Sara learned was a lesbian. Hack wrote this book about the experience which his publisher John Kane was expecting to be a salacious romp full of girl-on-girl sex. But Hack surprised him with this family-friendly tale of a happily married lesbian with two adopted children who sells a good car to a woman at a fair price.
It was not well-received by Hack’s core readership, but at least the misleading cover art did result in reasonably good sales in Bible Belt states.
The story of a man who has an affair with a circus performer but keeps suffering from erectile dysfunction because a gorilla stares at them while they try to “do it.” Hack says that it’s all true except that A> there was no circus B> there was no woman, and C> the gorilla was actually a house cat that would attack him while he was trying to masturbate.