The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
This novel (originally titled Dying Wish) was based on Hack’s visit to a dying rich friend in the hospital in the hopes of being included in his will and his having sex with the friend’s nurse who thought that he was the patient. It departed from the actual event in that Hack’s buddy made a complete recovery and married a 23 year-old Denny’s waitress who has barred Hack from coming anywhere near her husband or her, and the nurse was actually a 300 lb. Honduran man named Jorge.
Hack used to have brunch with a degenerate who inspired his novel “The Contiguous Man.” One Sunday, the guy started rhapsodizing about how this style of bathing suit made him irresistible to women, which intrigued Hack enough to sit down and crap out this book on the subject. A week later, Hack and his friend hit the beach in the titular swimwear and they were both fined $1,000 for all the vomit they induced from the beachgoers who saw them.
Hack was addicted to the dating website Tinder for a time and based this book on the typical reaction of the ladies who met him on it.
Hack has written so many books about virgins being coerced into having their cherries popped by low-lifes who were very into anal sex that it’s pretty hard to tell one apart from another. But this is one of the better ones because of its subplot about space aliens trying to blow up Earth, if you don’t mind getting through all the anal sex stuff to read it.
Two smokin’ hot women battle it out for the love of a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer. The Tolucan Times said in its review “the ‘winner’ was actually the loser because she wound up with Hack Werker. The ‘loser’ wound up suffering a horrible, painful death; which, when you consider her alternative, really wasn’t that bad.”
Since Hack has lived in a van parked in a Shakey’s parking lot for over fifty years, it may surprise you to learn that he once seriously considered buying a houseboat, finding a woman and sailing off into oblivion. But since every woman he asked said she’d rather jump into shark-infested waters than live on a boat with him and the bank he tried to finance the boat through told him that he’d need a lot more assets than the $267.15 he had in savings to qualify for a loan, he just wrote this book instead. It tanked.
An account executive at a major advertising firm hires a secretary for her excellent typing and stenographic skills but ultimately comes to rely on her primarily for her enthusiasm for anal sex. Typical Hack Werker fare.
One night Hack stopped by a hole-in-the-wall tavern and quickly realized that it was a gay bar. This is the story of that night.
This is based on yet another of Hack’s revenge scams that backfired on him. He made a list of everyone who had wronged him and then made a plan to have sex with all of them only to watch their horrified faces the next morning after they realized what they’d done. But the first person that he tried it with passed along a rare STD that caused his penis to shrink to microscopic size, where it remains to this day.
