Category: Beautiful Babes

The Car Max Killers

Hack’s pal Sara was having a rough time finding a car to buy and when she told Hack about a nightmarish experience she had at a Carmax dealership, he knocked out this fanciful murder mystery based loosely on her trial in which a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer is the killer. Unfortunately, Hack got high of reefer shortly afterward and got so disoriented that he thought the story was true, so he turned himself over to the police. It all got straightened out but not before Hack was raped in the county jail.

The Gorilla was Watching

The story of a man who has an affair with a circus performer but keeps suffering from erectile dysfunction because a gorilla stares at them while they try to “do it.” Hack says that it’s all true except that A> there was no circus B> there was no woman, and C> the gorilla was actually a house cat that would attack him while he was trying to masturbate.

Student Nurse

This novel (originally titled Dying Wish) was based on Hack’s visit to a dying rich friend in the hospital in the hopes of being included in his will and his having sex with the friend’s nurse who thought that he was the patient. It departed from the actual event in that Hack’s buddy made a complete recovery and married a 23 year-old Denny’s waitress who has barred Hack from coming anywhere near her husband or her, and the nurse was actually a 300 lb. Honduran man named Jorge.

Mankini

Hack used to have brunch with a degenerate who inspired his novel “The Contiguous Man.” One Sunday, the guy started rhapsodizing about how this style of bathing suit made him irresistible to women, which intrigued Hack enough to sit down and crap out this book on the subject. A week later, Hack and his friend hit the beach in the titular swimwear and they were both fined $1,000 for all the vomit they induced from the beachgoers who saw them.

Sail Away from All This Shit

Since Hack has lived in a van parked in a Shakey’s parking lot for over fifty years, it may surprise you to learn that he once seriously considered buying a houseboat, finding a woman and sailing off into oblivion. But since every woman he asked said she’d rather jump into shark-infested waters than live on a boat with him and the bank he tried to finance the boat through told him that he’d need a lot more assets than the $267.15 he had in savings to qualify for a loan, he just wrote this book instead. It tanked.

Pilot Season

Hack’s favorite actor is “Third Rock from the Sun” star French Stewart and when he heard two actors having a discussion about “Pilot Season” (the period when the networks cast and shoot the test episodes for series that they’re thinking of producing) while lunching at the Shakey’s where he works, he excitedly wrote this lurid mystery. He sent it to Stewart’s manager and to his delight, the star was was interested in developing it into a film for him to star in, but Stewart ultimately dropped out and the project went into turnaround. The book finally reached the screen (in a heavily altered version) as the Kristen Bell rom-com “When in Rome.”