The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack used to have brunch with a degenerate who inspired his novel “The Contiguous Man.” One Sunday, the guy started rhapsodizing about how this style of bathing suit made him irresistible to women, which intrigued Hack enough to sit down and crap out this book on the subject. A week later, Hack and his friend hit the beach in the titular swimwear and they were both fined $1,000 for all the vomit they induced from the beachgoers who saw them.
Hack was addicted to the dating website Tinder for a time and based this book on the typical reaction of the ladies who met him on it.
Two smokin’ hot women battle it out for the love of a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer. The Tolucan Times said in its review “the ‘winner’ was actually the loser because she wound up with Hack Werker. The ‘loser’ wound up suffering a horrible, painful death; which, when you consider her alternative, really wasn’t that bad.”
Since Hack has lived in a van parked in a Shakey’s parking lot for over fifty years, it may surprise you to learn that he once seriously considered buying a houseboat, finding a woman and sailing off into oblivion. But since every woman he asked said she’d rather jump into shark-infested waters than live on a boat with him and the bank he tried to finance the boat through told him that he’d need a lot more assets than the $267.15 he had in savings to qualify for a loan, he just wrote this book instead. It tanked.
This was Hack’s second book in his “Cat Lady” trilogy, based on a hot lady with cats who used to have lunch in the Shakey’s where he works. Their date which inspired the first book was a disaster but Hack developed an infection in the scars where her cats attacked him so he penned this sequel.
Hack’s friend Deborah Levin Resnick is a huge James Cagney fan so Hack wrote this in a desperate attempt to hit on her.
It didn’t work.
Hack’s favorite actor is “Third Rock from the Sun” star French Stewart and when he heard two actors having a discussion about “Pilot Season” (the period when the networks cast and shoot the test episodes for series that they’re thinking of producing) while lunching at the Shakey’s where he works, he excitedly wrote this lurid mystery. He sent it to Stewart’s manager and to his delight, the star was was interested in developing it into a film for him to star in, but Stewart ultimately dropped out and the project went into turnaround. The book finally reached the screen (in a heavily altered version) as the Kristen Bell rom-com “When in Rome.”
One of Hack’s most exciting detective novels. He was sued by the estate of Raymond Chandler because the book is a shameless rip-off of “The Big Sleep” but the suit fell apart in court because both Hack and Chandler’s novels had equally incomprehensible stories.
An account executive at a major advertising firm hires a secretary for her excellent typing and stenographic skills but ultimately comes to rely on her primarily for her enthusiasm for anal sex. Typical Hack Werker fare.
When the scandal about wealthy celebrities lying about their kids’ extracurricular activities in order to get them into good colleges broke, Hack did some digging and learned that his favorite Twitter pundit Lisa Glass was a Stanford graduate (since since we’re talking about Hack Werker here, “digging” meant that he read it in her Twitter bio). He decided no one that hot could get into a school like that based on academic merit so he wrote this novel which is pretty accurately summed up on the cover. Glass sued and while it turned out that her academic record was outstanding, the judge decided that she was too hot to have gone to an Ivy League school and dismissed the case.