Category: Beautiful Babes

The Starlet

Hack begged his producer John Kane for years to let him appear in the cheap porn flicks shot in Kane’s Van Nuys garage, but the most Kane would ever do is let Hack work the clap board before takes and occasionally serve as a fluffer. He turned those experiences into this highly fanciful novel in which a Catholic schoolgirl starts at the bottom of the porn industry and cuts a ruthless path to becoming the biggest star in the business. The character of Bruno Rathburn, the fabulously successful porn star whose genitals are so huge that any actress who performs in a sex scene with him runs the risk of being cut in half, was clearly based on Hack himself. He later admitted in interviews that being a porn star was his dream life and he deeply resented Kane for not allowing him to live it.

Her Private Secretary

Before he took the job as night janitor at Shakey’s Pizza Parlour that he held for over fifty years, Hack briefly made ends meet as an errand boy at a corporate headquarters where he claimed that he was passed around by the female executives as a sex toy. The story breaks down when you realize that he was there in 1960 where there were no such thing as female executives but Hack tended to get violent if challenged on the subject, so it’s best to just let it go. Anyway, Hack claims that this book is based on his experiences there.

The Frugal Fashionista

One of Hack’s friend Rosanna De Candia’s seventeen Instagram profiles is “The Frugal Fashionista” in which she illustrates her ability to dress like a million bucks on a five dollar budget. This novel was yet another failed effort on Hack’s part to try and get into Ms. De Candia’s fashionable pants, which netted him nothing but a major league ass-kicking from her the first time she saw him after reading it.

The Influencer

Hack wrote this book to suck up to actress Mara Marini, who he became obsessed with after seeing her play porn star Brandi Maxx in the NBS sitcom “Park & Recreation.” Ms. Marini placed a restraining order on him and got a court order to have all copies burned. The few remaining editions now sell on eBay for about $500.

Harlot Hotel

Hack based this story on his third marriage which he intended to stage as a sham wedding to get a woman he was obsessed with to have sex with him. She turned the tables on him and replaced the defrocked minister he hired to perform the ceremony with a real justice of the peace, so their marriage was legal and lasted for six months until she filed for divorce on the grounds on mental cruelty. It was the longest-lasting of Hack’s six marriages.

Sin for Sale

This novel was inspired by an unpleasant incident in Hack’s past when he tried to pass himself off as an evangelical minister. He was ultimately run out town on a rail and some of the tar and feathers that they covered him in remains embedded in his anus to this very day.

Honeymoon Hit Man

This novel was inspired by Hack’s honeymoon for his disastrous first marriage in 1958. Hack took his new bride to Niagara Falls but they were followed by a small-time hood that Hack owed money to who was furious that Hack spent his last few dollars on his honeymoon instead of paying him back. The hood attempted to shoot Hack but he hit his new bride instead before being gunned down by local law enforcement. The girl went into a coma and Hack had the marriage annulled before putting her in a bargain-basement hospital where she remains in a comatose state to this day. The book sold well and served loosely as the basis for the 1966 Tony Curtis comedy “Not with my Wife, You Don’t.”