Hack wrote this on his last day of vacation from his job as night janitor at a Shakey’s pizza parlor. He was so depressed about it that he ended the novel by having the earth explode just so that he wouldn’t have to return to work.
The Final Mission
Category: Beautiful Babes
Her Motive Was Lust
A gorgeous woman appears to have murdered her male roommate and hires her ex-lover Detective Jonny to solve the case. It turns out that the roommate faked his own death and the pair pinned it on Jonny, who gets as far as having the noose placed over his head on the gallows when Hack suddenly lost interest in the story and spent the last twenty pages railing against his abusive father.
Biker Justice
Hack’s fear of bikers is well documented but when a woman he lusted after got her motorcycle license, he tried sucking up to her by writing this novel where the bikers are the heroes. The first time he saw her after the book’s publication, she ran over his foot with her motorcycle which made him more afraid of them than ever.
Murder at the Drive-In
Hack wrote this after having a dream where a character comes out of a movie screen at a drive-in and guns him down. It’s scientifically a lot more plausible than many of Hack’s book and not a bad read at that.
Superstar
Hack wrote this book to coincide with his celebrity crush Frances Fisher’s birthday in the hopes that she would lift her restraining orders against him. It did not work.
The Blackmailers
For some reason Hack lives in mortal fear of being blackmailed, although no one can quite figure out why because he’s put so much dirt about himself in his novels that nothing could possibly come out that is worse than what the world already knows.
The Nipple Immunity Plan
Hack wrote this book after he learned that his friend Snow Mercy had founded an organization called The Nipple Immunity Program (NIP) which was started to educate the public that diseases of the heart, lungs, stomach, kidneys, liver, lymph nodes and mammary tissue result from smothering our nipples under clothing. The group’s mission statement claims that “Our nipples need bacteria, viruses, fungi, and fresh air to be healthy.”
Hack supports the aims of NIP mainly because he really likes nipples.
The Sexiest Yenta
The opening line read “When the beauty sunbathing on the white sands opened her eyes and saw the leering man stepping toward her from a red convertible, her first thought was: ‘Maybe corona isn’t the worst virus after all.'”
Murder at the Book Signing
Hack based this story on an incident that took place after the publication of “The Three Way” where his friend Rosie De Candia tried to murder him at a book signing after she she her picture on the cover.
The Three-Way
Hack had to go into hiding after publishing this novel about a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction novelist who is so sexually potent that women have to take him on two at a time in order to survive the encounter. The main female protagonist was clearly based on his friend Rosanna De Candia who, when she saw the cover, vowed to “hunt Hack down like the dog he is.” Ms. De Candia finally forgave Hack after his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris (who was also depicted as a character) attacked Hack’s groin so savagely that he was hospitalized for three months.