This was based on an incident when Hack was living in the basement of a woman he was attracted to, leading to (in Hack’s words) “a big misunderstanding.” It ended amicably, with the woman allowing Hack to publish this novel that he wrote in jail as long as he agreed to stay at least 500 yards away from her at all times.
Hack’s third book about the tenth century queen, this one written while he was having an acid flashback. Whatever your expectations are about this thing, it’s way weirder than that.
Hack’s obsession was still at it height after seeing Frances Fisher and Gregory Harrison perform James Goldman’s play. This book is nasty, even by Hack’s standards.
After receiving countless restraining orders for stalking women throughout his life, Hack had the tables turned on him when “a super hot nutjob” who was obsessed with him and his books came into his life. “The sex was great,” he admitted, “but when she set fire to my van while I was sleeping in it, I had to put an end to it. When I issued a restraining order against her, the guys at Superior Court (who I all knew by their first names because of the restraining order issued against me) thought it was the funniest thing in the world that the tables had turned.”
Since Hack lives in a van parked in the Shakey’s Pizza Parlor where he works as a night janitor, he is forced to shower at a local YMCA. One day to try and speed up his morning routine, he plugged his toaster into a nearby outlet and brought it into the shower so he could watch his Eggo waffles cook. When he regained consciousness, he wrote this story.
This was based on one of Hack’s many efforts to bring down his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris. He hired a gorgeous prostitute to promise to have sex with Jonny if he would betray Boris in an assassination attempt Hack had set up. Jonny refused to betray the pug but the prostitute had sex with him anyway, and Hack wound up shooting his own toe off when they conned him into believing that the scheme would go off as planned.
A motorcycle gang comprised on men in their fifties ascend up a local girls high school and introduce the Valedictorian to the wonders of anal intercourse on her 18th birthday. But a gorgeous student teacher spanks the defiance out of her and when she receives an acceptance letter to Harvard on graduation day, she thanks her guardian angel with a torrid weekend of violent lesbian sex. Very loosely based on the teenage years of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Jessie had been trouble from the jump, a lean-strung sparkplug with too much fire in her frown and too many miles on those skin-tight blue jeans. The old crowd she ran with left dents in the night—dented streetlamps, dented reputations, dented futures. But when she transferred to Good Girl High School, the town watched like it was waiting for a train wreck. They didn’t expect the plaid skirt. They didn’t expect the buzz cut. And they sure didn’t expect Jessie, the on-again, off-again menace of Sycamore Street, to rise up from the ashes of her past and snag valedictorian like it was the most natural thing in the world.
But the thing about old habits is they sit quiet only long enough to draw breath. By the time the ink dried on the letter from Harvard—fat envelope, no surprises—Jessie was already slipping back toward the shadows. And in those shadows waited Jonny M., a young hoodlum with a smile sharpened like a shiv and a talent for trouble that left even the cops muttering prayers. He wasn’t alone, either. His pug Boris padded along beside him, a squat little enforcer with a bark that carried farther than any bullet. Together they’d been terrorizing the town with their bad-boy routines, and Jessie, top of her class and golden-ticket bound, fell for Jonny like sin was gravity.
Miss Syntz noticed before anyone else. She always did. Gorgeous, yes—so much so even the PTA gossips held their breath when she walked by—but strict enough to freeze an earthquake mid-shake. She remembered Jessie’s first semester: the snarls, the confrontations, the wooden paddle hanging behind her desk like a promise. She’d had to spank the defiance out of the girl more than once, and Jessie had come out the other side something sharper, cleaner, stronger. Now Miss Syntz watched her brightest student drift back toward the abyss, and her knuckles grew white around the chalk she snapped in half.
The way Miss Syntz saw it, there was only one path left. She’d walked the straight and narrow so long it had grooves worn into her shoes, but if the only way to save Jessie’s future was to step into the gutter herself, then so be it. She’d trade her tidy bun for danger, her rulebook for recklessness, and show Jonny M. what a real bad girl looked like. And maybe—just maybe—steal him right out from under Jessie’s nose. In a town where futures were fragile and trouble had teeth, Miss Syntz was ready to bare her own.
When Hack formed yet another crush on a young woman who came into the Shakey’s where he works, he formulated an elaborate plan to win her affections by having some ne’er do wells associates of his pretend to kidnap her father so that he could rescue him, making her fall in love with with him. The scheme inevitably went wrong (as all of Hack’s schemes do) and the associates are serving a life sentence for the father’s murder while Hack once again was set free on a technicality. He wrote this book based on the experience and it’s not a bad read.
Hack’s fascination with biker chicks is so intense that when he saw a woman on a Harley Davidson riding through the Shakey’s parking lot where he works as a night janitor, he wrote this novel on the spot in about twenty minutes. Over 100 pages of it is devoted to a single scene where she engages in anal sex with the night janitor of a pizza parlor, but still…twenty minutes.