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A gorgeous female biker and her boyfriend terrorize a neighborhood market until a tough cop tells them to move along, so they do. The actual story is only 15 pages so Hack uses the rest to timeline the countless occasions when his abusive father would batter him.
Hack likes to lounge around in women’s lingerie which, he insists, “is strictly a comfort thing.” A photographer (who, unlike the gorgeous young woman in the novel, was actually an obese man in his 60’s with a glass eye) snapped some pictures of Hack in this state and blackmailed him with them for years until Hack realized that everyone knew that he was a pervert and the pictures wouldn’t make a difference in that regard. Hack based this novel on the episode, although it departs radically from how it actually went down.
Hack is a close follower of pinko political pundit Lisa Glass’ Twitter feed and wrote this novel in an attempt to suck up to her. It resulted (as such moves always do for Hack) with her issuing a restraining order against him.
Two dashing soldiers of fortune and a sexy femme fatale try to keep the train that carries Donald J. Trump to his inauguration from reaching its destination. They ultimately fail to achieve their goal but they have a lot of weird sex while they’re giving it a shot.
When his cover artist Jonny M. went away for a short vacation, Hack was so overcome with jealousy that he hastily wrote this book do that Jonny would be overwhelmed with work the second he got back. Jonny screwed him over by crapping out the cover in half an hour and immediately leaving for a long weekend in Vegas, causing Hack to make another of his many unsuccessful suicide attempts.
When Hack learned that his celebrity crush Mara Marini (best known for playing porn star Brandi Maxxxx on “Parks & Recreation”) was originally from Canada, he wrote this saga of the Mounties to try and impress her. It failed miserably on that score, largely because Hack seems to be under the impression that Mounties spend all their time rescuing virgins from being tied to railroad tracks and engaging in anal sex.
This is a rare Hack Werker romantic novel set in Paris where every goddamned scene is set in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower.
This was one of Hack’s most controversial titles. The city’s mob kingpin has his goons kidnap a senior from the Van Nuys Boarding School for Hot Virgin Girls, ages 18 to 22 and play cards to see which of the town’s sexual deviants will take her virginity. Boris gets in the game to save her and just as he is on the verge of winning, he loses the last hand with four aces to a local perv’s royal flush (Hack doesn’t really understand poker). But just as the perv is about to deflower her, Boris takes out a semi-automatic and blows everyone at the table away. It’s a feel-good escapist piece of fluff.
Hack swears up and down that this was a true story but it turned out to have the exact same plot as an old Linda Blair movie he watch on Cinemax once while he was high on reefer, so I kind of doubt it.
Hack grudgingly allowed his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris to sit in on a poker game he was hosting and Boris cleaned him out for over $10,000. Hack wrote this book as a means of squaring the debt.