What’s The Deal?

Hack is obsessed with the TV show Seinfeld but was so disappointed by the farewell episode that he novelized one of his own. It’s a typical Hack Werker story so saturated with gratuitous sex and violence that it’s virtually unreadable. The one good thing about it is that it’s so bad that it makes you appreciate how good the finale of Seinfeld actually was by comparison.

The Thin Man’s Wife

Myrna Loy was a huge star in the 1930s and 1940s best known for her onscreen partnership with William Powell, especially as Nick and Nora Charles in the popular “Thin Man” series of mystery movies. Hack fell in love with Loy in those films and grew to detest Powell, so he wrote this novel in which his signature team of great detectives, Jonny and Boris, have an affair with Nora Charles and her dog Asta so they plot to murder Nick. They ultimately come up with an outlandish plan where she trains Asta to brutally attack Nick, leaving him dead in a pool of his own blood. Since the police in those movies are nitwits and Nick isn’t around to solve the case, they get off scott-free.

He Liked to Watch

Hack was a big fan of “The Bob Newhart Show” in the 1970s but wrote this after he became obsessed with the concept that Suzanne Phleshette, who played his wife on the show, was much too beautiful to be believably married to the titular character. While most of Hack’s work based on television shows and movies resulted in legal action, no one could really argue with this one.

Duck By Duckwest

Hack wrote this for Donald Duck Day on March 13, so designated because Donald’s birthday is said to be on March 13th in the 1949 short film Donald’s Happy Birthday. However, Donald actually made his debut on June 9, 1934 in the animated short film The Wise Hen so the powers that be at Disney decreed that THIS is actually Mr. Duck’s birthday and that June 9th is the OFFICIAL Donald Duck Day.

When cover artist Jonny M. (who also modeled for the main character by taking thousands of dick pix of his legendary misshapen genitalia and Photoshopping them until he came up with one that looked reasonably normal) was told of the two dates, he tersely responded “All I know is that my junk is freezing.”