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This is Hack’s final book about the stern and passionate Madam Rosie. His friend Rosanna De Candia told him that she’d “slice him from neck to nuts” if he completed it, so the story stops abruptly on page 78 and the rest is filled out by a short story Hack wrote in 1959 about cross-dressers in the US Coast Guard. Strangely, no one seemed to notice.
Hack became obsessed with motorcycle gangs after he bought a used Vespa scooter in 1967 and fancied himself quite the hellraiser. He and some other “biker” friends watched Marlon Brando in “The Wild Ones,” got excited and tried taking over a small town. They spent the weekend in jail until one of his friend’s mother bailed them out. The Vespa was stolen a few weeks later by a gang of roving bicycle thieves.
Gorgeous prostitutes start vanishing from the city, interesting no one but the hero (who Hack had such little interest in as a character that he didn’t even give him a name) and his faithful dog. It turns out the prostitutes are being kept in a barge that will transport them to the private island of the evil warlord Vlad Werkowski (Hack’s father’s real name) where they will live out their lives as sex slaves. The prostitutes bide their time in the ship’s hull having lesbian sex until the tide turns so that they can begin their journey but just as it does, the hero and his dog creep onboard to beat the living daylights out of the crew and release the girls. The prostitutes thank him with a massive orgy.
It’s not as good as it sounds.
Hack was still so turned on by the beating his friend Rosanna De Candia gave him that inspired “Madam Rosie” that when he got out of the hospital, he started annoying her so that she would do it again. The result was this novel.
A group of poor virgins are deflowered by some rich boys in fast cars. It ends in a drag race between the only girl not to die of syphilis in her father’s jalopy and the leader of the boys in his 1962 Covair. Just as the boy is about to cross the finish line, his car crashes in a fire ball and he is castrated by its stick shift.
This novel was inspired by Hack’s honeymoon for his disastrous first marriage in 1958. Hack took his new bride to Niagara Falls but they were followed by a small-time hood that Hack owed money to who was furious that Hack spent his last few dollars on his honeymoon instead of paying him back. The hood attempted to shoot Hack but he hit his new bride instead before being gunned down by local law enforcement. The girl went into a coma and Hack had the marriage annulled before putting her in a bargain-basement hospital where she remains in a comatose state to this day. The book sold well and served loosely as the basis for the 1966 Tony Curtis comedy “Not with my Wife, You Don’t.”
Hack has always been suspicious of his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris and has spent thousands of dollars on private investigators to find out about the little dog’s history. The P.I.’s took his money but (as you’d expect with a dog) discovered nothing, so he tried to recover his losses with this book which invented a fanciful and scandalous past for the pug. Not for the last time, Boris sued Hack for libel and received a hefty settlement.
Hack awoke on the first morning of 1976 to find the woman he had met at a New Year’s Eve Part the night before and spent the night with wasn’t in his room. When she had woken and realized who she had slept with, she got on the ledge and intended to jump. Hack spent the next three hours trying to convince her that life was still worth living but she wouldn’t come in until he got his fourth wife on the phone to tell her that sleeping with Hack wasn’t the rock-bottom it seemed like. She finally came off the ledge but she became a cloistered nun immediately afterwards. Hack wrote about it in this novel, although most of it is about the drunken anal sex they had after the party.
When his cover artist Jonny M. Told Hack that one of his countless lovers insisted on using a confection called Jonny Pops in their lovemaking, Hack wrote this book in one of many attempts to undermine Jonny’s reputation. The scheme backfired as usual, and Jonny received hundreds of letters from across the country from women wanting to try the erotic act with him.
A devilishly handsome soldier of fortune and his dog save a beautiful blonde from a fate worse than death at the hands of local mercenaries, only to subject her to a fate worse than death after they free her.