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A gorgeous woman appears to have murdered her male roommate and hires her ex-lover Detective Jonny to solve the case. It turns out that the roommate faked his own death and the pair pinned it on Jonny, who gets as far as having the noose placed over his head on the gallows when Hack suddenly lost interest in the story and spent the last twenty pages railing against his abusive father.
Hack is a huge fan of the great John Cleese so he crapped out this novel to determine what actually happened to the Norwegian Blue. It turned out to be a suicide.
This was the second time that Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. posted his artwork on Instagram and the celebrity subject “liked” it. The first was the great Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles opining on Hack’s horror novel “Walk Like an Egyptian.” This time, it was when the great Mr. Cleese clicked his approval of “The Case of the Dead Parrot.” Hack wants both of those acknowledgements carved on his headstone.
Hack was dissatisfied with “Dangerous Gams and the Mystery of the Heart-Shaped Bed” and wanted to retire the series. But his readership demanded a new installment so he cranked this out during his lunch hour from his job as the night janitor of Shakey’s Pizza Parlor as a fantasy of how he imagined his shift would be when he got back from his break. His heroes spent most of their time having anal sex with the titular vamp in between scenes of them solving a mystery involving some stolen diamonds, while Hack actually spent the next few hours scraping vomit from off the Ms. Pac Man machine.
The title of this book was supposed to be “Mob Informant” but the copywriter who came up with the text for the cover took his conversation with publisher John Kane too literally and laid out this instead. Hack was angry until the new title sold three times as many copies as expected.
For the third installment of the “Dangerous Gams” saga, Hack pitted detectives Jonny and Boris against each other as Snow Mercy played a dangerous game of cat and mouse. He painted himself in the corner at the end so he took the cop-out of making it all a dream, but there was enough graphic sex to make the fans happy.
The huge success of “Dangerous Gams” left Hack’s publisher John Kane scrambling for a sequel while interest was still hot. Hack being Hack, he crapped out this follow-up in about three hours that was even more lurid and sexually graphic than the first installment. The sales more than tripled although Hack’s friend Snow Mercy, the world famous dominatrix who served as the basis for the sultry heroine, beat Hack’s butt with a hairbrush when she saw the cover.
After the success of “The Maltese Pug,” Hack felt confident to return to the detective genre started by his heroes like Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler. He felt that the only element missing from their masterpieces to make them perfect was numerous depictions of graphic anal sex, which this book did its best to make up for.
The first book that prompted Hack to be a writer was Dashiell Hammett’s “The Maltese Falcon.” This is an unapologetic rip-off of the original with the detective Sam Spade renamed Claude Club. It’s a virtual line-by-line knockoff of the Hammett book save that the titular falcon was now a pug and the detective now had an insatiable desire for anal sex. Few critics noticed the similarities between the books and the ones who did said that Hack’s version was superior.
Hack wrote this novel in twenty minutes after watching the Jennifer Lopez music video “Booty” 50 times in a row.
Kate Micucci is an actress known for her appearances on such TV shows as “The Big Bang Theory,” “Scrubs” and “Raising Hope,” and for her work with Riki Lindhome as the musical duo Garfunkel & Oates (named after second bananas from other famous musical duos). Hack developed an obsession for her after hearing their comedy song “The Loophole” about some Catholic girls getting around sacrificing their virginity with their boyfriends by engaging in anal sex. Since anal sex is one of the most prominent themes in Hack’s works, he wrote this novel in which Ms. Micucci knocks out John Oates with her ukulele and assumes his identity, taking her down a trail that is all too familiar to anyone who has read Hack’s books. Mercifully (as is frequently the case in his stories), Hack lost focus and the last hundred pages are just an angry rant about his father.
The book sold well within the Bible Belt.