Category: Horror

Horror Speakeasy

When he heard that horror movie star Graham Skipper was hosting a “horror speakeasy,” Hack got so excited that he sat down and wrote this scary book about what he imagined would take place complete with chills, thrills and a murder mystery that a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer solves and is rewarded with an anal sex session with the sexiest female guest. What actually would up happening was that Hack got drunk beforehand, showed up at the wrong address and was brutally beaten by some drug dealers whose score he had walked in on.

Harvey

When Hack heard that his idol French Stewart was starring with his wife Vanessa in the play “Harvey” about an invisible rabbit, he assumed that the titular transparent bunny was a murderous giant rodent who manipulated his mind slave Elwood P. Dowd into killing people to give him fresh flesh to feed on. When Hack was informed that it was actually a gentle fantasy, he wrote this novelization of his concept to set things right.

Haunted Manor

When his friend Dan E. Campbell bought a Victorian manor in a remote part of Kansas, Hack visited him and swore that he was awoken in the middle of a night by a spectre that anally violated him and left him for dead. Hack wrote this book about the experience and when Campbell visited him for the publication party, the spectre somehow showed up in the back of his van that he was sharing with Campbell and the ghost anally violated him again.

The Cat Lady of Death

Hack fell head over heels with a beautiful woman who came into the Shakey’s where he worked for lunch, and he talked her into going out for a date. When they went back to her place, he thought he was going to get laid but as soon as she opened the door, “at least thirty goddamned housecats attacked me and tried to claw my face and scrotum sack off.” Hack was able to fight off the frantic felines and stagger out into the street, where he collapsed in a pool of his own blood. He wrote this book while recovering from the wounds.

Death at the Door

One of Hack’s lamest novels whose only remarkable feature is that he had forgotten he’d published it so a few years later, he republished it under the title “Terror Behind the Door.” They were essentially the same novel except that in the original, the stranger trying to break in was a deranged murderer who had escaped from a nearby insane asylum whereas in the rewrite, he was a pizza delivery guy.

Professor Morlock and the Zombie Slaves

This is one of several novelizations Hack wrote for the popular “Professor Morlock” horror movie series. It was based on the time Hack got pissed off at a bunch of people he hung around with so he developed a serum to turn them into zombies in his kitchen sink. He tried it on a couple of them while they slept and while it didn’t get the desired effect of turning them into zombies, it did wind up killing them so the problem was taken care of.

I Married a Zombie

When he heard that a young friend of his had proposed to the love of his friend’s life, Hack thought of the effect that his own six failed marriages had on him and wrote this sci-fi classic as a cautionary tale. For the record, his friend and his bride have now been happily married for about a year, surpassing the total of all of Hack’s marriages combined.

A Dangerous Time For Men

Hack normally detests everything about Donald Trump but when Trump said that it was “a dangerous time for men,” he was in rare agreement with 45 and wrote this novel in support of it. As with most times Hack times Hack takes a stand on anything, his logic was so convoluted that he would up making the opposite point and won the Bonnie Ritter Outstanding Feminist Book Award.

Marrying Mr. Darcy

When Hack heard that his celebrity crush Frances Fisher was starring in a film with this title, he got excited and immediately rushed out this novel with the same name about a sweet girl who unknowingly marries Satan and spends eternity ruling Hell. When Ms. Fisher’s film came out and it turned out to be a charming romantic comedy/drama having nothing to do with the Prince of Darkness, Hack tried to changw the title of his book to “The Devil’s Bride” not realizing that it had already been on sale for a month with the first title but no one cared because Hack’s version was really stupid no matter what it was called