The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack’s book “Attack of the Monday” sold so well that he wrote this sequel to try and capitalize on it. Unfortunately, as with no many of his books, he went off on a tangent so that the last two-thirds are a rant about how socialism is actually communism. Fortunately, there were still enough graphic sex scenes that his hardcore fans didn’t seem to mind.
Hack kept hearing from his friends who work 9-5 jobs how much they hate Mondays, which didn’t register to him because to Hack, “every day was a waking nightmare.” So he thought that Mondays were some kind of bizarre monster and he based this sci-fi book on the idea. It sold well enough that he wrote two sequels, so I guess it wasn’t that nuts after all.
When he heard that horror movie star Graham Skipper was hosting a “horror speakeasy,” Hack got so excited that he sat down and wrote this scary book about what he imagined would take place complete with chills, thrills and a murder mystery that a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer solves and is rewarded with an anal sex session with the sexiest female guest. What actually would up happening was that Hack got drunk beforehand, showed up at the wrong address and was brutally beaten by some drug dealers whose score he had walked in on.
When Hack heard that his idol French Stewart was starring with his wife Vanessa in the play “Harvey” about an invisible rabbit, he assumed that the titular transparent bunny was a murderous giant rodent who manipulated his mind slave Elwood P. Dowd into killing people to give him fresh flesh to feed on. When Hack was informed that it was actually a gentle fantasy, he wrote this novelization of his concept to set things right.
When his friend Dan E. Campbell bought a Victorian manor in a remote part of Kansas, Hack visited him and swore that he was awoken in the middle of a night by a spectre that anally violated him and left him for dead. Hack wrote this book about the experience and when Campbell visited him for the publication party, the spectre somehow showed up in the back of his van that he was sharing with Campbell and the ghost anally violated him again.
Hack fell head over heels with a beautiful woman who came into the Shakey’s where he worked for lunch, and he talked her into going out for a date. When they went back to her place, he thought he was going to get laid but as soon as she opened the door, “at least thirty goddamned housecats attacked me and tried to claw my face and scrotum sack off.” Hack was able to fight off the frantic felines and stagger out into the street, where he collapsed in a pool of his own blood. He wrote this book while recovering from the wounds.
One of Hack’s lamest novels whose only remarkable feature is that he had forgotten he’d published it so a few years later, he republished it under the title “Terror Behind the Door.” They were essentially the same novel except that in the original, the stranger trying to break in was a deranged murderer who had escaped from a nearby insane asylum whereas in the rewrite, he was a pizza delivery guy.
This is one of several novelizations Hack wrote for the popular “Professor Morlock” horror movie series. It was based on the time Hack got pissed off at a bunch of people he hung around with so he developed a serum to turn them into zombies in his kitchen sink. He tried it on a couple of them while they slept and while it didn’t get the desired effect of turning them into zombies, it did wind up killing them so the problem was taken care of.
When he heard that a young friend of his had proposed to the love of his friend’s life, Hack thought of the effect that his own six failed marriages had on him and wrote this sci-fi classic as a cautionary tale. For the record, his friend and his bride have now been happily married for about a year, surpassing the total of all of Hack’s marriages combined.
Hack was contracted to write a light-hearted novelette inspired by the Frank Loesser song but he got carried away, penning a dark tragedy in which the guy viciously rapes the girl and she dies a few hours later. When he gets caught trying to dispose of the body, he is put on trial for murder and is executed. It’s become a holiday classic.