Category: Movies and Television

The Secret Life of Jonny M.

When founding Saturday Night Live cast member Laraine Newman posted a photo of herself and SNL costar Gilda Radner dressed as Playboy bunnies on her Instagram account, Hack’s cover artists Jonny M. (a devoted fan of Ms. Newman) enthusiastically commented “I had such a crush on you.” Fortunately, Ms. Newman recognized the message as a benign compliment from a fan instead of the insane ranting of a stalker that is inevitably assumed from any of Hack’s Social Network interactions and she kindly “liked” it, sending Jonny for a walk on Cloud 9 for a few hours.

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Where No Man Has Cum Before

Hack went to see a screening of the sci-fi classic The Search for Spock and was especially interested when the titular Vulcan (who had been left for dead on the planet Genesis and had been regenerated, aging at a rapid rate) had hit his teenage years and was going through Pon Farr for the first time, which is basically when the pointy-eared aliens are in heat. Hack was excited because as luck would have it, the gorgeous female Vulcan Saavik was onhand to lead Spock into manhood (or in this case, Vulcanhood) and with all Hack had heard about Pon Farr, he was expecting to see some violent and intense extraterrestrial banging.

Instead, Saavik gave him what amounted to a timid and disinterested hand job, which apparently did the trick because beta Spock immediately returned to the lethargic state that he was in throughout the rest of the goddamned movie. Hack was prepared to march to the box office to demand his money back when he realized that this was the reconstituted Vulcan’s first sexual experience, and Hack thought back to when he popped his own cherry at the tender age of 8 that it amounted to a timid and disinterested hand job too. So he decided that if the world was going to get the straight dope about the perversions experienced Vulcans indulged in when they lost their minds once every seven years, he’d have to write it himself. This book is that story and if you can get your hands on a copy, you’ll find that they’re into some intensely rough trade.