The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack thought that if he wrote a book about International Women’s Day that he would get laid left and right. It’s about a guy who writes a book about International Women’s Day and gets laid left and right for it.
Life did not imitate art.
Hack wrote this after he took his van to get gas with his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug as a passenger. While he was filling up, he attempted to hit on a gorgeous woman at the next pump but she was only interested in playing with Boris. Hack tried to make Boris walk home after that but the gorgeous woman gave him a lift and no one knows what happened after that.
One of the countless celebrities Hack is obsessed with is Twitter influencer Lisa Glass. He wrote this to try and impress her but its publication led instead to her filing a restraining order, as usual.
Hack’s cover artist Jonny M.’s success with women has caused Hack to despise him, but it has inspired some of Hack’s best work. Hack wrote this after Jonny told him of the dozens of women who expected him to be with them sexually on Valentine’s Day.
Because of his obsession with Frances Fisher, Hack has written many sequels to her movies. This is one of the better ones in which Strawberry Alice, the stern brothel madam in “Unforgiven,” hooks up with a dashing outlaw and his loyal pug.
This novel was inspired by Hack’s honeymoon for his disastrous first marriage in 1958. Hack took his new bride to Niagara Falls but they were followed by a small-time hood that Hack owed money to who was furious that Hack spent his last few dollars on his honeymoon instead of paying him back. The hood attempted to shoot Hack but he hit his new bride instead before being gunned down by local law enforcement. The girl went into a coma and Hack had the marriage annulled before putting her in a bargain-basement hospital where she remains in a comatose state to this day. The book sold well and served loosely as the basis for the 1966 Tony Curtis comedy “Not with my Wife, You Don’t.”
Hack was surprised to discover that his books sold well south of the border, so he wrote this one in Spanish using Google Translate with his musical crush Linda Ronstadt as the heroine. Sadly it sold poorly in Mexico (where it was considered incomprehensible) but it was an unexpected hit in Thailand.
When filmmaker Gary Marshall directed a series of romantic comedies with holiday themes like “Valentine’s Day,” “New Year’s Eve” and “Mother’s Day,” Hack wrote a spec script titled “Labor Day” and sent it to Mr. Marshall’s office. They passed on the project, objecting to the grimmer aspects of the story where a woman invites a man to a holiday barbeque and then locks him in her basement BDSM dungeon, subjecting him to various genital tortures until he admits his love for him. Hack refashioned the story into this novel about young love although he admitted that he didn’t consider it his best work, saying that it was “too sappy.”
Hack’s output was so great by 1970 (often finishing a dozen novels a week) that his publisher John Kane suggested that he write under a pseudoym for the “romance novel” division of his company, Pierrot Romances. Hack wrote 17 titles under the pen name “Helen Bedd” until Kane finally determined that there was no market amongst his female readership for Hack’s angry depiction of anal sex.
This is a unique title in Hack’s collected works because it’s a wholesome kid’s book in which there is no sex whatsoever. It’s actually a pretty adorable takeoff on “The Arabian Nights” which fell flat on its face because his devoted readership bought Hack Werker novels for scenes of anal sex, not cutesy-poo adventures on a flying carpet. Hack later disowned the book, claiming that he only wrote it to impress a nursery school teacher that he wanted to have anal sex with.