Return of the Dangerous Gams

Hack was dissatisfied with “Dangerous Gams and the Mystery of the Heart-Shaped Bed” and wanted to retire the series. But his readership demanded a new installment so he cranked this out during his lunch hour from his job as the night janitor of Shakey’s Pizza Parlor as a fantasy of how he imagined his shift would be when he got back from his break. His heroes spent most of their time having anal sex with the titular vamp in between scenes of them solving a mystery involving some stolen diamonds, while Hack actually spent the next few hours scraping vomit from off the Ms. Pac Man machine.

MAGA Science

Hack thought that Donald Trump supporters were the biggest group of idiots that ever collected on this planet but they also made up his core readership, so he wrote this novel praising their protests of the Covid-19 quarantine. Hack’s literary output has included some of the most inane scientific mumbo jumbo ever printed but whenever he is asked about this book, he testily replies “it’s moronic.”

Dangerous Gams and The Mystery of the Heart-Shaped Bed

For the third installment of the “Dangerous Gams” saga, Hack pitted detectives Jonny and Boris against each other as Snow Mercy played a dangerous game of cat and mouse. He painted himself in the corner at the end so he took the cop-out of making it all a dream, but there was enough graphic sex to make the fans happy.

Dance of the Dangerous Gams

The huge success of “Dangerous Gams” left Hack’s publisher John Kane scrambling for a sequel while interest was still hot. Hack being Hack, he crapped out this follow-up in about three hours that was even more lurid and sexually graphic than the first installment. The sales more than tripled although Hack’s friend Snow Mercy, the world famous dominatrix who served as the basis for the sultry heroine, beat Hack’s butt with a hairbrush when she saw the cover.

The Stud Trainers

Hack took a correspondence course in the 1960s that he learned about from the back of a matchbook that promised to teach him how to seduce ladies. He claims that the skills he picked up transformed his life, although police records from that time show that he was arrested 17 time for “lewd behavior and attempted molestation.” When confronted with those numbers, Hack snorts “show me the records on the two women who didn’t call the police!”

The Maltese Pug

The first book that prompted Hack to be a writer was Dashiell Hammett’s “The Maltese Falcon.” This is an unapologetic rip-off of the original with the detective Sam Spade renamed Claude Club. It’s a virtual line-by-line knockoff of the Hammett book save that the titular falcon was now a pug and the detective now had an insatiable desire for anal sex. Few critics noticed the similarities between the books and the ones who did said that Hack’s version was superior.