The Salesman was a Lesbian

After Hack got out of the hospital following the beating his friend Sara gave him for writing “The Car Salesman,” he heard news that she had a much better experience with a female salesperson who Sara learned was a lesbian. Hack wrote this book about the experience which his publisher John Kane was expecting to be a salacious romp full of girl-on-girl sex. But Hack surprised him with this family-friendly tale of a happily married lesbian with two adopted children who sells a good car to a woman at a fair price.

It was not well-received by Hack’s core readership, but at least the misleading cover art did result in reasonably good sales in Bible Belt states.

The Car Salesman

When Hack’s friend Sara was still in the process of finding a new car to buy (as described in “The Car Max Killers”) she complained to Hack that every car salesman she encountered was more interested in hitting on her than selling her a car. That was all Hack needed to hear so he knocked out this sequel where every salesman got their wish.

After Sara read it, Hack spent the next two weeks in the hospital.

The Car Max Killers

Hack’s pal Sara was having a rough time finding a car to buy and when she told Hack about a nightmarish experience she had at a Carmax dealership, he knocked out this fanciful murder mystery based loosely on her trial in which a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer is the killer. Unfortunately, Hack got high of reefer shortly afterward and got so disoriented that he thought the story was true, so he turned himself over to the police. It all got straightened out but not before Hack was raped in the county jail.

The Gorilla was Watching

The story of a man who has an affair with a circus performer but keeps suffering from erectile dysfunction because a gorilla stares at them while they try to “do it.” Hack says that it’s all true except that A> there was no circus B> there was no woman, and C> the gorilla was actually a house cat that would attack him while he was trying to masturbate.

The Bunny Killer

Much like Santa Claus, Hack not only firmly believes in the Easter Bunny but he’s been trying for decades to kill it. “Those two are opposite sides of the same goddamned coin,” Hack once said to no one in particular. “One gives presents to good boys and girls on Christmas. The other gives eggs to…well, I don’t know who is supposed to get the eggs but I know damned well that it never gave one to me. And no one loves eggs more than I do. So that dirty rodent is going to pay!”

Student Nurse

This novel (originally titled Dying Wish) was based on Hack’s visit to a dying rich friend in the hospital in the hopes of being included in his will and his having sex with the friend’s nurse who thought that he was the patient. It departed from the actual event in that Hack’s buddy made a complete recovery and married a 23 year-old Denny’s waitress who has barred Hack from coming anywhere near her husband or her, and the nurse was actually a 300 lb. Honduran man named Jorge.

Mankini

Hack used to have brunch with a degenerate who inspired his novel “The Contiguous Man.” One Sunday, the guy started rhapsodizing about how this style of bathing suit made him irresistible to women, which intrigued Hack enough to sit down and crap out this book on the subject. A week later, Hack and his friend hit the beach in the titular swimwear and they were both fined $1,000 for all the vomit they induced from the beachgoers who saw them.