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This novel (originally titled Dying Wish) was based on Hack’s visit to a dying rich friend in the hospital in the hopes of being included in his will and his having sex with the friend’s nurse who thought that he was the patient. It departed from the actual event in that Hack’s buddy made a complete recovery and married a 23 year-old Denny’s waitress who has barred Hack from coming anywhere near her husband or her, and the nurse was actually a 300 lb. Honduran man named Jorge.
Hack used to have brunch with a degenerate who inspired his novel “The Contiguous Man.” One Sunday, the guy started rhapsodizing about how this style of bathing suit made him irresistible to women, which intrigued Hack enough to sit down and crap out this book on the subject. A week later, Hack and his friend hit the beach in the titular swimwear and they were both fined $1,000 for all the vomit they induced from the beachgoers who saw them.
Hack was addicted to the dating website Tinder for a time and based this book on the typical reaction of the ladies who met him on it.
When his friend Dan E. Campbell bought a Victorian manor in a remote part of Kansas, Hack visited him and swore that he was awoken in the middle of a night by a spectre that anally violated him and left him for dead. Hack wrote this book about the experience and when Campbell visited him for the publication party, the spectre somehow showed up in the back of his van that he was sharing with Campbell and the ghost anally violated him again.
Hack has written so many books about virgins being coerced into having their cherries popped by low-lifes who were very into anal sex that it’s pretty hard to tell one apart from another. But this is one of the better ones because of its subplot about space aliens trying to blow up Earth, if you don’t mind getting through all the anal sex stuff to read it.
Two smokin’ hot women battle it out for the love of a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer. The Tolucan Times said in its review “the ‘winner’ was actually the loser because she wound up with Hack Werker. The ‘loser’ wound up suffering a horrible, painful death; which, when you consider her alternative, really wasn’t that bad.”
Since Hack has lived in a van parked in a Shakey’s parking lot for over fifty years, it may surprise you to learn that he once seriously considered buying a houseboat, finding a woman and sailing off into oblivion. But since every woman he asked said she’d rather jump into shark-infested waters than live on a boat with him and the bank he tried to finance the boat through told him that he’d need a lot more assets than the $267.15 he had in savings to qualify for a loan, he just wrote this book instead. It tanked.
This was Hack’s second book in his “Cat Lady” trilogy, based on a hot lady with cats who used to have lunch in the Shakey’s where he works. Their date which inspired the first book was a disaster but Hack developed an infection in the scars where her cats attacked him so he penned this sequel.
Hack’s friend Deborah Levin Resnick is a huge James Cagney fan so Hack wrote this in a desperate attempt to hit on her.
It didn’t work.
Hack’s second wife enjoyed nothing more than playing sadistic tricks on him, and April Fool’s Day was her favorite day of the year. “Her goal was to make my life a living hell on April 1st,” he recounted, “so I paid her back by making her life a living hell the rest of the time. At least that’s what she said in the divorce papers. I don’t really remember because when that bucket of water crashed on my head, it gave me a concussion and I suffered some dain bramage. I haven’t remembered things so goodly ever since it refrigerator.”