Category: Beautiful Babes

The Client was a Maneater

Kate Micucci is an actress known for her appearances on such TV shows as “The Big Bang Theory,” “Scrubs” and “Raising Hope,” and for her work with Riki Lindhome as the musical duo Garfunkel & Oates (named after second bananas from other famous musical duos). Hack developed an obsession for her after hearing their comedy song “The Loophole” about some Catholic girls getting around sacrificing their virginity with their boyfriends by engaging in anal sex. Since anal sex is one of the most prominent themes in Hack’s works, he wrote this novel in which Ms. Micucci knocks out John Oates with her ukulele and assumes his identity, taking her down a trail that is all too familiar to anyone who has read Hack’s books. Mercifully (as is frequently the case in his stories), Hack lost focus and the last hundred pages are just an angry rant about his father.

The book sold well within the Bible Belt.

Uhura’s Passion

Hack’s forays into sci-fi are infrequent but usually rewarding. This one has Lieutenant Uhura of “Star Trek” jumping ship at the end of the movie where they go back to the twentieth century to save whales so that she can continue her love affair with a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction novels who she met while Captain Kirk was off hitting on a hot marine biologist.

Agent 99

Hack was a huge fan of “Get Smart” and, as always, became sexually obsessed with its costar Barbara Feldon. This novelization has Agent 99 going undercover as a prostitute who specializes in anal sex in order to infiltrate KAOS and get a binder of top secret information. Most copies were recalled after a lawsuit from NBC but the few that are available on eBay prove that the book is really as bad as it sounds.

The House Dick

Hack came to sexual maturity in an age when hotels still employed house detectives to ensure that couples who stayed under their roofs were married and not just there for Godless hanky panky. Since the vast majority of his sexual activity at the time was with syphilitic prostitutes, he carried a bogus marriage license to display at check-in which would typically result in his being beaten to a pulp in the alley behind the hotel by the house dick. This novel is a remembrance of those golden times.

Jonny Stud

Hack grew to despise his cover artist Jonny M. after constantly hearing of his effortless success with women. Hack intended this chronicle to depict Jonny as a superficial loser who lived an empty life but it wound up getting him more babes than ever, resulting in one of Hack’s many unsuccessful suicide attempts.

Liesel Hanson: Girl Photographer

Hack likes to lounge around in women’s lingerie which, he insists, “is strictly a comfort thing.” A photographer (who, unlike the gorgeous young woman in the novel, was actually an obese man in his 60’s with a glass eye) snapped some pictures of Hack in this state and blackmailed him with them for years until Hack realized that everyone knew that he was a pervert and the pictures wouldn’t make a difference in that regard. Hack based this novel on the episode, although it departs radically from how it actually went down.