Category: Beautiful Babes

Concertina Madness

Hack went through many phases where he thought that playing a musical instrument would make him irresistible to women. The concertina era was probably the most disastrous where he would confront random women frantically pumping the bellows (which he had no concept of how to actually play) and then proposition them sexually, inevitably receiving a brutal beating from their male companions or from the women themselves (often both). He wrote this highly idealized novelization of the experiment in which the fictional version of himself was infinitely more successful with the ladies than he was in real life.

Wonder Woman vs. the Fascist Morons

Hack was coy about his obsession with actress Lynda Carter when he wrote “The Amazon Warriors” that was influenced by her “Wonder Woman” TV series. In this book, she’s actually the lead character although Hack doesn’t seem to comprehend that the actress and her Wonder Woman character aren’t one and the same and has Ms. Carter actually doing battle with Donald Trump and kicking his pudgy orange ass in the process.

The Insane Plot of Professor Morlock

Hack wrote a couple of novelizations of the “Professor Morlock” horror film franchise for a few quick bucks and they’re pretty entertaining. As with all the “Morlocks,” the insane professor is obsessed with transplanting somebody’s brain into someone else’s cranium, with a few scares and some gratuitous nudity thrown in before he is gunned down just before he can make the first incision and sent back to hell. It was right up Hack’s alley.

Gamblers of Love


Back in the late 1960s, Hack and some friends of his would sometimes play a game of brackets to decide who was the sexiest celebrity. They ultimately gave it up because every time they played, the winner was Natalie Wood. When Ms. Wood tragically drowned in 1981, Hack had one of his many nervous breakdown and if he death is mentioned to him now, he becomes violent and insists that she is still alive and looks exactly as she did in “The Great Race.” When he does book signings, fans are required to sign a disclosure promising that they won’t bring her up in his presence.

Jonny’s Run

Actress Jenny Agutter fell onto Hack’s radar after he watched a single scene from the sci-fi “Logan’s Run.”

It seems that Logan (played by Michael York) and his scantily-clad girlfriend Jessica (Ms. Agutter) have been on their eponymous run for a while when they inexplicably happen across some animal furs in an icey cave. Jessica suggests they put them on but Logan, being a red-blooded dude, insists that they take their wet clothes off first “before they freeze on us.” Because this is a movie, that means that Logan just has to take off his shirt while Jessica removes every stitch before wrapping herself in the Wookie skin (or whatever kind of animal they have in the world of the movie). Her nudity was totally exploitative and, from Hack’s twisted perspective, totally mind-blowing. He immediately ran out of the theater and wrote this novelization, which is nothing more than an extended sexual fantasy where a Hack Werker-like character leaps into the scene and performs unspeakable perversions with Ms. Agutter.

Although not a success in its first printing, it sells well today at science fiction conventions.

The Perfect Sleeper

Every year, Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. writes an elaborate Christmas story and has a contest during its creation where his friends suggest a celebrity and the one he likes the most gets included in an illustration along with the person who suggested him or her. Every year, Jonny’s buddy Glenn submitted 1970s sex starlet Joey Heatherton and Jonny finally made him the winner. But in the illustration, Glenn was depicted with the then-current 70 year-old version of Joey and not the one he pined for in his boyhood.

Hack thought that was an outrageous injustice and wrote this book in protest. The title comes from a series of suggestive commercials she made for the Serta Perfect Sleeper mattress.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Joey Heatherton, here’s a commercial she made for the Perfect Sleeper in her heyday:

Desperado

Hack wrote this volume about Linda Ronstadt, whose poster adorned the interior of the van he lives in throughout the 1970’s. Her version of “Desperado” is one of his all-time favorite recordings, and he wrote this novel after once again drunkenly listening to it and dissolving into tears because she didn’t share the obsessive love that he had for her. Hack was interviewed for the 2019 documentary “Linda Ronstadt: The Sound of Her Voice” but the footage was unusable when he broke into hysterics and attempted to jump out of a window.