The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
To commemorate the third anniversary of when his cover artist Jonny M. became Facebook friends with his celebrity crush Frances Fisher, Hack wrote this malicious chronicle of their relationship which painted Jonny as an annoying thorn in Ms. Fisher’s side. The only comment that the “Titanic” star gave about the book was “Werker pretty much nailed it.”
Hack’s obsession with the film “Titanic” and its star Frances Fisher is common knowledge and he wrote the story from the point of view of her character Ruth Dewitt Bukater to clear up what he felt were some inconsistencies in the story. For instance, when Ruth hooks up with a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction while her daughter Rose is off doing who-knows-what with Jack, he tries to introduce her to the wonders of anal sex. She is so furious that she rips the door off her cabin closet and clobbers him over the head with it, breaking it in half with the blow. When the same door floats to the water’s surface after the ship sinks giving Rose something to ride on to safety, Ruth’s attack has rendered it too small to also carry Jack so he sinks to a watery grave.
Hack wrote this sequel to Clint Eastwood’s classic Western “Unforgiven” to tell the story of what happened to the town madam Strawberry Alice (played by Hack’s obsessive celebrity crush Frances Fisher). It begins just as the movie is ending, when Alice runs out of Greely’s Berr Garden and Billiard Parlour just before the climactic shootout with William Munny and Little Bill Daggett and into the waiting arms of her secret lover, a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction. The rest is a tale of their perfect love as the male character (who Hack neglected to give a name) writes fabulously successful novels while Alice practices all the erotic skills on him that she learned from her years working at the billiard parlour. Nothing much happens until the end, when Munny inexplicably shows up and the male character tells him to move his ass to San Francisco, where he’ll prosper in dry goods.
This was the first Junior Ranger book in which Hack try to suck up to one of his celebrity crushes, depicting the legendary Elizabeth Taylor as an actress who Ranger Joe must save from deadly vipers. When Hack approached her at a Hollywood party to discuss a movie adaptation of the book, security took him outside and beat him so badly that he was temporarily paralyzed.
Hack was still trying to suck up to the disciples of his cover artist Jonny M.’s late pug Winston with this volume, which had Winston coming back from doggie heaven to make his master sexually irresistible to the ladies. The Winstonites, who castrated themselves to be more like their neutered leader, were unimpressed but Jonny M. himself thought it ranked among Hack’s best books.
Ranger Joe is overwhelmed by savage monkeys who drag him to their cave and violate him repeatedly with anal sex until their demands are met. A typical entry in the Junior Ranger saga.
When he first heard about the Me Too movement, Hack was horrified because he had a long history of masturbating in front of women for years. So he wrote this book in support of the crusade in the hopes that its leaders wouldn’t put him to death when they took over. His fear turned out to be for naught because his genitalia is so tiny that none of the women realized that he was playing with himself in their presence.
Hack tried to follow up the triumph of “The Boob Cup” with this mystery about a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction whose girlfriend cheats on him with the owner of the legendary Boob Cup. It wasn’t the success with his readership that the first one was because the hero spends most of his time fucking the cup.
When his celebrity crush Frances Fisher appeared in a play called “Barbeque” in Los Angeles, Hack stole the title for a erotic trifle about a Frances Fisher-like actress who tempts all the males in the neighborhood with her luscious sweet meats. It eventually becomes known in the story that she’s pretty good at barbequing too.
When Hack finally recarpeted the van that he sleeps in after forty years, the first thing his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Winston did was urinate on a small section of it. Hack was furious at first until he realized that after four decades of sleeping on soiled carpeting, he couldn’t sleep on anything else. So he invited Winston back the next day to pee on the rest of it.
His cover artist Jonny M. found the subject matter distasteful and only agreed to make it if Hack would make the character based on him give Joan Crawford the greatest orgasm of her life just before the murder took place. They compromised and had him on the verge of satisfying Joan just before Bette Davis gunned her down. Jonny finally agreed that his not being able to satisfy a woman to conclusion had a much stronger basis in reality.