Hack wrote this on his last day of vacation from his job as night janitor at a Shakey’s pizza parlor. He was so depressed about it that he ended the novel by having the earth explode just so that he wouldn’t have to return to work.
The Final Mission
Category: Damsels in Distress
MAGA Science
Hack thought that Donald Trump supporters were the biggest group of idiots that ever collected on this planet but they also made up his core readership, so he wrote this novel praising their protests of the Covid-19 quarantine. Hack’s literary output has included some of the most inane scientific mumbo jumbo ever printed but whenever he is asked about this book, he testily replies “it’s moronic.”
The Stud Trainers
Hack took a correspondence course in the 1960s that he learned about from the back of a matchbook that promised to teach him how to seduce ladies. He claims that the skills he picked up transformed his life, although police records from that time show that he was arrested 17 time for “lewd behavior and attempted molestation.” When confronted with those numbers, Hack snorts “show me the records on the two women who didn’t call the police!”
The Peter Pan Complex
Hack’s close friend Rosanna De Candia started the second edition of her podcast Jersey Reads the Classics with the JM Barrie perennial “Peter Pan.” Hack wrote this novel about his own experiences with the book as a tribute.
The Macho Squad
Hack desperately wanted to serve in uniform but when he tried to enlist during the Vietnam war, he was judged to be too psychotic for the military. He was briefly a member of a private militia funded by a high-ranking member of The John Birch Society, but he was drummed out for fragging his commanding officer after he mocked the size of Hack’s tiny genitalia.
The Dude with the Giant Wang Comes to Easter Dinner
Hack had no intention of writing another of these “Dude with the Giant Wang” books until his cover artist Jonny M.’s brother Joe told him “I think I speak for everyone when I say any novel cover where you are fully clothed is a winner!” So Hack felt that he had no choice.
The Flasher with the Micro-Penis
This may be Hack’s most deeply personal story.
His Love Child
When he heard that his cover artist Jonny M. had two “love children” named Jonikwa and Jon Jr. whose mother was constantly hounding him for her monthly child support checks, Hack was so delighted that he sat down and wrote this book to publicly embarrass Jonny. As it always happens when Hack plots to ruin someone, the plot backfired horribly because the book was a bestseller and Jonny successfully sued him for libel so that he was able to set up trust funds for the kids and never had to write a check again.
Confessions of a Pulp Art Model
Hack makes a point of dropping by whenever his cover artist Jonny M. is creating new cover art so that he can hit on the models, always with humiliatingly unsuccessful results. He wrote this story where a model is thrown out of her home and seeks refuge in the arms of a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer which Hack swears is based on a true story but when he is pressed for the name of the model, he always pretends to have an epileptic seizure.
Junior Ranger and the Deadly Virus of Mt. Corona
With Covid-19 in full swing, Hack decided to bring the Junior Ranger saga back to life to have Ranger Joe do battle with the virus. It had Hack’s usual scientific research and attention to detail.