Social Distancing

When Hack heard that everyone had to stay indoors because of the Covid-19 virus, he figured that meant that he could coerce beautiful young woman into shacking up in his bug-infested van. Instead, the few he was able to speak with carried six-foot poles to ensure that people were keeping their proper distance and if Hack tried to get any closer than that, they would crack him over the head with them.

Jesus is Kinky

This novel was based on Hack’s experiences growing up in the brutally harsh Romanian Catholic Church that his strict father Vlad dragged him to every Sunday. Now an avowed atheist, Hack sometimes reenacts episodes from his youth following a typical church service where he is Vlad and a prostitute with an open mind and a high pain tolerance portrays him.

The Man Who Farted

Hack is an obsessive fan of “Third Rock from the Sun” star French Stewart, and claims one of the highlights of his life was briefly sharing an elevator with the actor. The only thing that marred the experience, Hack insisted, was when Stewart “let a massive one rip between the third and fourth floors,” so he went home and wrote this novel about it. His cover artist Jonny M. was also in the elevator and claims that it was actually Hack who cut one, a statement which put additional pressure on their already tense relationship.

The Bottomless Popcorn Bucket

A nostalgic reminiscence from Hack’s teenage years when he would take girls to the movies, buy a bucket of popcorn and punch out the bottom, and then wait for them to inevitably dig for a handful of his Johnson. He ultimately spent so much money on popcorn without result that he fantasized that someone would just play the trick on him. It never happened.