Author: admin

The Grotesque Orange Freak

Of all the things Hack despises about President Trump, the one that he finds the most mystifying is the commander in chief’s alleged love of the Golden Shower. “I’ve been peed on more times than I can count,” said Hack in an interview with The Christian Science Monitor, “usually after having the snot beat out of me in a bar fight. Believe me, there’s nothing hot about it.” When Hack heard about Trump’s alleged fetish, he adapted a short story he had written in 1958 about an enormous retarded green slime monster who took over the planet. Its downfall was it’s fetish for being urinated on, which melted its leathery skin into dust.

“I really just had to change the color of the thing,” said Hack while accepting a National Book Award for his effort, “and it was about Trump.”

MAGA Thanksgiving

When Hack was invited to Thanksgiving by a woman he was desperately hitting on, he discovered that everyone in her family were pro-Trump freaks. After listening to their psychotic babble for a few hours, he finally snuck out the bathroom window with the turkey stuffed inside his hoodie.

The Insane Fan

After receiving countless restraining orders for stalking women throughout his life, Hack had the tables turned on him when “a super hot nutjob” who was obsessed with him and his books came into his life. “The sex was great,” he admitted, “but when she set fire to my van while I was sleeping in it, I had to put an end to it. When I issued a restraining order against her, the guys at Superior Court (who I all knew by their first names because of the restraining order issued against me) thought it was the funniest thing in the world that the tables had turned.”

The First Deadly Sin

This was based on one of Hack’s many efforts to bring down his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris. He hired a gorgeous prostitute to promise to have sex with Jonny if he would betray Boris in an assassination attempt Hack had set up. Jonny refused to betray the pug but the prostitute had sex with him anyway, and Hack wound up shooting his own toe off when they conned him into believing that the scheme would go off as planned.