The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
This is the true story of a group of bored housewives who lived in Hack’s neighborhood and got their kicks by betting on which one could deflower the most virgin teens nearby. Hack tried to take advantage of the situation by convincing them that he was a virgin but since he was 74 years old at the time, his scheme ended in humiliating failure.
An historical novel about a female fencing master in the 18th century who would vanquish all comers and then anally violate them with her épée sword. When a handsome nobleman who she falls in love with challenges her to a match, she kicks his ass in fencing but turns the tables by letting him anally violate her. Not one of Hack’s best.
This is the last of Hack’s “Cat Lady of Death” trilogy. He would have written more but the lady with all the cats who came into the Shakey’s where he worked moved away, so he found other thing to terrify him.
This is one of Hack’s many attempts to suck up to his favorite Twitter pundit Lisa Glass by imaging her elected the first Jewish female president and taking a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer as her live-in lover. She doesn’t get a lot of work done.
Hack briefly considered a career as a boxer but only lasted one fight in which he was knocked out in the first round. He hallucinated the story of this novel while he was having brain surgery.
After Hack got out of the hospital following the beating his friend Sara gave him for writing “The Car Salesman,” he heard news that she had a much better experience with a female salesperson who Sara learned was a lesbian. Hack wrote this book about the experience which his publisher John Kane was expecting to be a salacious romp full of girl-on-girl sex. But Hack surprised him with this family-friendly tale of a happily married lesbian with two adopted children who sells a good car to a woman at a fair price.
It was not well-received by Hack’s core readership, but at least the misleading cover art did result in reasonably good sales in Bible Belt states.
When Hack’s friend Sara was still in the process of finding a new car to buy (as described in “The Car Max Killers”) she complained to Hack that every car salesman she encountered was more interested in hitting on her than selling her a car. That was all Hack needed to hear so he knocked out this sequel where every salesman got their wish.
After Sara read it, Hack spent the next two weeks in the hospital.
Hack’s pal Sara was having a rough time finding a car to buy and when she told Hack about a nightmarish experience she had at a Carmax dealership, he knocked out this fanciful murder mystery based loosely on her trial in which a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer is the killer. Unfortunately, Hack got high of reefer shortly afterward and got so disoriented that he thought the story was true, so he turned himself over to the police. It all got straightened out but not before Hack was raped in the county jail.
The story of a man who has an affair with a circus performer but keeps suffering from erectile dysfunction because a gorilla stares at them while they try to “do it.” Hack says that it’s all true except that A> there was no circus B> there was no woman, and C> the gorilla was actually a house cat that would attack him while he was trying to masturbate.
Much like Santa Claus, Hack not only firmly believes in the Easter Bunny but he’s been trying for decades to kill it. “Those two are opposite sides of the same goddamned coin,” Hack once said to no one in particular. “One gives presents to good boys and girls on Christmas. The other gives eggs to…well, I don’t know who is supposed to get the eggs but I know damned well that it never gave one to me. And no one loves eggs more than I do. So that dirty rodent is going to pay!”