Dangerous Dudes – Page 40

First-Time Hussy

When Hack formed yet another crush on a young woman who came into the Shakey’s where he works, he formulated an elaborate plan to win her affections by having some ne’er do wells associates of his pretend to kidnap her father so that he could rescue him, making her fall in love with with him. The scheme inevitably went wrong (as all of Hack’s schemes do) and the associates are serving a life sentence for the father’s murder while Hack once again was set free on a technicality. He wrote this book based on the experience and it’s not a bad read.

Macho Men

While she’s picking the one to be her lover, she has sex with everyone (male and female) in the village. (Spoiler alert: she winds up running away with the pug.)

Back to Work

Three co-workers (a man, a woman and a pug) return to work after a three-day weekend to find that their office building has become a jungle infested with terrorist guerilla fighters. (Hack doesn’t have a firm grasp of the realities of working a 9-5 job.)

The Garbage Collectors

A former mob kingpin who has gone straight goes back to his hometown to clean up the criminal element. The gorgeous female DA is so grateful that she rewards him with anal sex.

The Mob Boss

The anal sex kingpin of the city is challenged by his stable of prostitutes, who band together to take over his territory. By the end, he is reduced to being a lowly gay hooker who survives by selling anal sex to his former rival mobs.

Five Glasses of White Wine

A man sees a woman in a bar and he propositions, whereupon she shoots him down and tells him to get lost. He buys her five glasses of white wine and they go back to her place for anal sex.

That took Hack over 200 pages to tell in this book.

Manly Men Doing Man Things/Jesse Merlin: Super Solider

Hack based the second story in this two-parter on his cover artist Jonny M.’ friend, the renowned opera singer Jesse Merlin. When Hack badgered Jonny to introduce him, Hack said afterwards that “I was so overcome by Merlin’s masculine charm that it was the one time I would have willingly gone gay with another man.” Hack had, of course, unwillingly gone gay on countless occasions.

Terrible Shots/The Man No Woman Could Resist

“The Man No Woman Could Resist” was one of the hundreds of short stories Hack wrote about seducing pop legend Linda Ronstadt. In it, the superstar singer stalks a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction novels until she shows up unannounced one night at his penthouse apartment for a night of violent anal sex. He wrote it while defending himself a restraining order placed against him by a 55 year-old singing waitress who he kept badgering to join him in the van that he lives in for a night of violent anal sex.

Hell Raisers

A gorgeous female biker and her boyfriend terrorize a neighborhood market until a tough cop tells them to move along, so they do. The actual story is only 15 pages so Hack uses the rest to timeline the countless occasions when his abusive father would batter him.

Larceny at the Louvre

Two world-class art thieves attempt to steal the most famous painting in the world from the Louvre Museum in Paris but spend most of their time having anal sex. The Louvre would later use this novel as part of their training for new security guards.

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