Hack wrote this during the Coronavirus quarantine after he realized that all the women he had Zoom meetings with got hotter and hotter as they supposedly “let themselves go.”
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes with Dark Roots
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Dangerous Gams
After the success of “The Maltese Pug,” Hack felt confident to return to the detective genre started by his heroes like Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler. He felt that the only element missing from their masterpieces to make them perfect was numerous depictions of graphic anal sex, which this book did its best to make up for.
The Maltese Pug
The first book that prompted Hack to be a writer was Dashiell Hammett’s “The Maltese Falcon.” This is an unapologetic rip-off of the original with the detective Sam Spade renamed Claude Club. It’s a virtual line-by-line knockoff of the Hammett book save that the titular falcon was now a pug and the detective now had an insatiable desire for anal sex. Few critics noticed the similarities between the books and the ones who did said that Hack’s version was superior.
The Peter Pan Complex
Hack’s close friend Rosanna De Candia started the second edition of her podcast Jersey Reads the Classics with the JM Barrie perennial “Peter Pan.” Hack wrote this novel about his own experiences with the book as a tribute.
The Macho Squad
Hack desperately wanted to serve in uniform but when he tried to enlist during the Vietnam war, he was judged to be too psychotic for the military. He was briefly a member of a private militia funded by a high-ranking member of The John Birch Society, but he was drummed out for fragging his commanding officer after he mocked the size of Hack’s tiny genitalia.
Infantile Idiots
When Hack’s friend Snow Mercy took a job administering Covid-19 tests during the pandemic, he wrote this book after he couldn’t find anything good to watch on Netflix.
Taking a Break from All This Shit
When social distancing from the Coronavirus was at its height, Hack wrote this to keep from having a nervous breakdown. It became one of his all-time biggest sellers despite the fact that he had a nervous breakdown anyway.
The Cult of Jonny
Hack became so obsessively jealous of his cover artist Jonny M.’s ability to effortlessly attract women that he called it “nothing but a goddamned cult.” He wrote this book to mock Jonny but it became such gospel to the countless women who desired him that they mimicked the Jonny branding ceremony on the cover by getting Jonny tattoos. Hack nearly lost his mind when he heard about it.
The Zoom Meeting Surprise
Hack had an increasing number of Zoom meetings as the Coronavirus quarantine escalated, while he also decreased his practice of wearing pants. This came to an unpleasant head when he spilled coffee in his lap during a meeting, giving the participants a closeup view of his badly burned micropenis. This novel is a highly romanticized depiction of that event.
No Mercy
Hack’s friend world famous dominatrix Snow Mercy is a fierce advocate of taking proper precautions against the spread of Covid-19 but Hack defied her orders and went out without a mask to celebrate her birthday on April 13th. This is the painful story of what happened when she found out about it.